A Tear
by Rein of Review inc
Summary: Tribute to my pal Ryan, AKA Konjiro. Goku loves Sanzo; no doubt about it. However, after Sanzo accepts his feelings, Homura kidnaps him. Can they possibly find anything to hold onto...even now? (Goku is RAPED....Mpreg.)
1. Confessions

                I don't really remember all the time I spent locked up.  I mean, 500 years is a long time, after all.  I don't particularly remember any images or anything, but there is something I will never forget.  Well…some things, I guess.

                Like pain and suffering.  The feelings of anguish and helplessness.  The desire to just end my life right there and then, in any way possible.  But, more than anything, all I remember is the pain…the horrible, constant, maddening pain that comes with being all alone with nothing to distract you from it.  I was forever cursed to feel those horrible things and accept them as what I deserved.

                Back then, I had nothing to live for at all…but I also didn't have the abilities to make something to live for or to end my worthless, pitiful existence.  I was there…a thing, just left to rot throughout eternity in that pit of a home.  And what's worse, I had accepted it.  It was what I had coming.

                I always have been a fool.

                But…I guess that I wasn't meant to stay there the way I did.  Throughout the time I spent simply mourning my own existence, I never really trusted in hope to bring me a savior.  I was wrong—fate brought me Sanzo.  I knew that was what was meant to be as soon as he reached out to me and took my hand in his and let my golden eyes look directly into his sad, purple ones.  I knew at that moment, and have known since, that Sanzo and I were born so that I could be found by him and that we may someday change the fate of the world itself.  It was…what I knew was needed, too.

                Sanzo was the first person to ever reach out to me when I needed them, and I have since reached out to him countless times.  He never did seem to want me to turn away from him, even though he did try to act like he did.  It was always so difficult to understand him at first, or so I'm told.  But I know for a fact that I could understand everything about him the moment I heard his voice and saw his eyes; I understood the good, the bad, and everything in-between instantly and embraced it.

                I never knew what the word 'trust' meant until I gave him my hand to take me out of that place.  I never knew that something so warm could be so comforting and uplifting after all that time.  All I wanted at that moment was to be with this hero until I couldn't do it anymore—until I died.

                I've come to know what every move he makes means.  Closing his eyes means that he's at peace, but shutting them is proof that he's angry.  Putting his hands in his pocket signifies fatigue, but one alone is relaxation.  Even when he just moves his mouth the slightest bit…I know what it means, and what he needs.  I know what his words hide and what anything he says truly means.  The fact that he yells every time we annoy him doesn't mean that he wants it to stop forever—it means that he merely acknowledges the fact that we are who we are and that he can never change it.

                Sanzo has always been my savior.  I don't care if he insults me—he can say 'bakasaru' a million times, but I won't care; I honestly don't care what he calls me or says to me, even if he's angry.  But…when he seems to be beyond words, it hurts.

                I would gladly die for my keeper and guardian; I would, at any time, give up my life for him…like I know I someday likely will.  I care about Hakkai and Gojyo as well, but I can't say that I would die for them; Sanzo just means more to me than they ever have or ever will.  Hakkai and Gojyo are my friends, but they aren't my Sanzo.  To me, Sanzo will always be the most precious thing I can ever find.  He's everything to me.  All I can hope is that he'll stay with me until he dies, at which point I will gladly follow.

                Sanzo.  I love his name.  No, I worship his name.

                I would never tell anyone the truth, but I love Sanzo dearly.  I don't care about his gender or his lifespan—all I want is to hold him in my arms, if only for a little while, and feel that beautiful warmth just once more.  I want him to call out my name when he needs someone, and I want to run to his aid like he did for me so many times.  I want to tell him how I feel, but I know I couldn't do that; I'm too afraid he'll turn me away.

                I want to be with him.  More than anything, I want to stay with him.  I want him to have all the happiness in the world, and I want to see the man he is under all those layers and walls come to the surface for the world to finally know.  I want the world to know the man called Genjo Sanzo.

                But all I can do is watch him from a distance.

                So, as we speak, I am fighting with Gojyo in the back seat of Hakuryu.  Today, we are arguing because his long red hair is going everywhere and it's 'annoying' me.

                "Why don't you just cut it off, you stupid kappa?!"

                "The ladies love it!  Besides, I wouldn't look like me if I didn't have my long hair!"

                "You stupid, vain errokappa!"

                "At least I'm not a bakasaru!"

                "Errokappa!"

                "Bakasaru!"

                "Errokappa!"

                "Bakasaru!"

                "Erro-"

                "URUSAI!!" Sanzo yells and fires his gun into the air several times: his typical way of stopping our arguments.  You know, I always wondered why he yelled 'urusai,' instead of something like 'damare.'  I guess it's just his way.  But then, it doesn't sound right when he does use something else.  In any case, it usually works.

                I have to wonder where we'll be staying tonight.  But…I don't have the courage to ask that just yet, so I glance over at Gojyo, who is sitting back with his arms crossed behind his head.  Looks comfortable.  But I don't want to have anyone think I was staring at Gojyo; that's just weird.  I shift my gaze to the road and sigh in contentment.  I guess this is fun.  But I'm still curious as to when we're going to get to the next town, using my trademark.

                "Sanz-o!  I'm starving!  How long until we get to the next town?" He's not answering.  Oh, no!  Here comes the fan!

                "Well, I believe we'll be there in about fifteen minutes, Goku.  Once we arrive, we'll find a place to eat." Hakkai says pleasantly.  I look up from trying to fend off the fan and see him with his usual smile plastered on his face.  I break into a grin and sit back happily.  Sanzo seems content to just sigh and put away his fan in the infinite amount of space that is his robe; I wonder how he fits so much in it without it bulging or something.

                The rest of the ride is pretty uneventful, other than one more argument between me and Gojyo.  Well…up to the point that we were only about seven or eight minutes from the town—Sanzo took off the upper part of his robe, saying he 'wasn't going to arrive in a town sweaty and irritable, since everyone would suffer.'  I could scarcely keep my eyes off him on the ride then; Sanzo looks so good when he takes off his robe.  Not that he doesn't look good with it on; it's just that when it's on, it's a professional beauty.  When the robe is off, it's a more dangerous, relaxed look to him.  I love that look.

                But I can't enjoy seeing him like this for very long.  Less than a minute before we are to arrive inside the town, he puts his robe back on and hides the beauty the world never gets to see.  I almost moan at the loss, but I catch myself.  Gojyo would never let me live it down if I were to show that I was so disappointed about this; I bet he'd even use it as blackmail.

                "Alright, everyone; we're here." Hakkai climbs out of Hakuryu, the rest of us following in a rather unorganized fashion; Gojyo leaps out, stretching as he lands, while Sanzo opens his door and hits him in the shin rather harshly.  I get the impression that he planned that, but I choose not to voice this opinion—that fan is so painful!  While Gojyo yells at Sanzo, who is likely about to reach for his fan, I skip ahead to walk with Hakkai and Hakuryu, who are in the lead.

                "Hakkai, where do you think the closest restaurant is?" I ask, frowning.  "I'm starving!"

                Hakkai laughs lightly and points up ahead good-naturedly, his smile not changing.  "We should be able to get both room and food in there.  Now, do you think-" he's cut off by Sanzo's gun.  "…okay, do you think that those two will be completely averse to sharing a room tonight?" I look at him incredulously; Gojyo and MY Sanzo, sharing a room without fighting?  We're more likely to defeat Homura with Sanzo's fan!  Then again, that fan _does_ hurt…

                "Uhhh…Hakkai, those two'll never go for it…" I stay a bit quiet, as not to reveal any hidden affections I may have about Sanzo to my friend.  However, I'm the one who's confused as he looks at me with an odd smile or look on his face—it's as though he's trying not to laugh.

                "SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" Hakkai and I both wince as we hear Sanzo's gun accompany his voice, followed by Gojyo's cursing.  Hakkai laughs.

                "Well, aren't we being low-key?" I groan.  "Oh, there's the restaurant!  We can have something to eat now, Goku." I look up happily and forget about the arguing members of our group as we enter a nice, comfortable looking building with the smell of wontons and chicken issuing out of it.  The whole atmosphere is inviting, and I nearly jump through the door.

                After our group is seated, I grab the menu, only to have it pulled away from me by Sanzo.  "Hey!  Sanzo!  How do you expect me to order without a menu?!  _Sanzo_!" the whole entire restaurant goes silent as soon as I'm finished saying this, and I wonder what I did wrong.

                "That's the point, Goku." I'm seriously confused now.  Whispers have broken out around the place.  Gojyo leans back, looking bored.

                "You know, this place is kinda uptight; why're they getting so worked up over the two of you bickering?" I shrug, while Sanzo tucks the menu under his own.  Hakkai, however, smiles yet again and nods towards Sanzo, acting as if that's an explanation.  "What, the monk?"

                "Well, I noticed on our way into this town that this city has a very large temple devoted to Buddhism.  Sanzo is the equivalent of a king to a town like this." I groan.

                "E-excuse me…" a young woman with long black hair steps cautiously towards our table, holding a notepad to her chest.  "Did I…did I hear that a Sanzo was in your group?" I nod and point to Sanzo, who seems to be refraining from pulling out his gun.

                "That's him.  Can we order now?" The woman's hands go to her mouth in surprise.

                "Um…yes, you can order."  I grin happily.

                "I'll have two of everything on the menu!" She looks at me with a shocked expression on her face.  However, that's nothing compared to the reaction of Sanzo, who stands up and slams his fists onto the table, his eyes shooting daggers at me.

                "You'll have what?!" I stick out my tongue.

                "Well, I couldn't order anything I wanted since a certain someone took my menu away from me!  I'm just making due!" Sanzo puts his hand on his head.

                "Arrgh…okay, you can order whatever you want.  I guess that takes care of my order, too.  All I'll need to order now is a drink." Damn, I didn't think of that!  "I would like to have some of your best tea." Okay, that was unexpected.

                "What, you're not having booze?  That's what I'm having!" Gojyo laughs, earning curious looks from all around us.  Hakkai smiles.

                "I'll have some water, and Hakuryu will have a small bit as well." The waitress nods, breathless, and rushes off.

                "Now that our orders have been taken care of…" he pauses as someone puts their hand on his shoulder.  We all look up to see a man about his age standing there, holding a tiny bundle of cloth.  I squeal—a baby!  I love kids!  "What can I do for you?" He asks in an official tone.

                "Well…you're a Sanzo, right?" He nods.

                "Yes.  Now, what can I do for you?" This guy doesn't know what he's getting into.

                "I wonder if you would be so kind as to bless my new son?  I know it is a lot to ask of someone of your greatness, and I know that I am not worthy of asking you, but…" he kneels before Sanzo, eyes to the ground.  Sanzo takes the opportunity to roll his eyes.  "…well, his mother died giving birth, and there are many demons nearby who seek to destroy the temple and our town.  I want to have my son be as safe as he can, and I humbly ask that you do this for him—for the man he may become.  With your blessing…" Sanzo stands, and a gasp issues from everyone.

                "Man, this is too much!" Gojyo is laughing his head off, and I'm close to it.

                "Thank you, great Sanzo!" I notice something about his scent, tugging on Sanzo's sleeve to get his attention.  He looks down at me.

                "Sanzo…this guy…he smells like food!  I think he owns a shop!" Sanzo actually seems to consider something for a moment.

                "Very well…I will bless your son." My eyebrows shoot into my hair.  He's…agreeing?  "What is his name?"

                "I…haven't named him, sir.  I was hoping a priest would do it." Sanzo sighs, putting his crown upon his head.

                "Fine…I guess I'll name him…" He takes the child from his father and holds him in one arm.  "In the name of the Buddha, the heavens, and the Sanbutsushin, I henceforth name this child Ramyou, and hence bless him with the courage, wisdom, and protection given to those who believe in the teachings of Buddha—I bless thee, Ramyou, with the holy power given to me with my name.  I bless thee." Sanzo scoops up a bit of Hakkai's water and solemnly drips a small amount on Ramyou's scalp.  He then lowers the boy into the arms of his father.

                "Thank you, Lord Sanzo." The restaurant's visitors all put their hands together in a sign of prayer.

-----------------------------------

                "Man, Sanzo, I didn't know you did charity!" Gojyo slaps his back with a laugh, only to pull away instantly as a bullet whizzes past his right ear.  "Why would you do that?  Even if he _does_ own a shop, that card of yours takes care of all our expenses!  What's the point?"

                To be honest, I hadn't thought about it that way.  Why _did_ Sanzo bless that kid?  I get my answer as Sanzo's annoyed voice breaks our silence.  "Because if I didn't bless the damn kid, we couldn't possibly get any provisions for when we leave; just ask Hakkai, you idiot." I blink and look at him.

                "Well…" he puts a hand behind his head in a symbol of humility.  "There's only one shop in this town, and it seems that the father of that child owns it.  If Sanzo hadn't blessed his son, he wouldn't allow us any supplies for when we leave." Oh.  Makes sense.

                "God, I hate kids.  That brat smelled horrible." I look at Sanzo.  Kids aren't that bad!

                "Sanzo, what's wrong with kids?!  You were a kid once yourself!" Hakkai chuckles; I can see what seems so funny to him—knowing Sanzo, it's hard to believe he ever was a child.  However, I continue.  "Little kids are great!  They're innocent-"

                "And defenseless-"

                "And kind-"

                "Don't you mean annoying?" I blink.  "As annoying as you can be, children are far worse.  They don't listen, they cry too much, they're so clingy, and they won't let anyone convince them that the world isn't a good place.  All they have are their pathetic little dreams and aspirations, as well as their needs—food, sleep, food, rest, food, and…did I mention food?  Kids are terrible." My fists are shaking.

                "But those qualities are good, too!  They believe only what they can hold in their hands!  They don't fear death and they can hold their heads high because they think their dreams will come true!  And they're so-"

                "Shut up, you bakasaru." He stands up.  "I'm going to my room.  See you in the morning."  He leaves.

                "Sanzo!" I know he won't listen, so I quietly murmur "good night" to no one and go up to my room.  I sit there for a while, suppressing my tears and the urge to run over to Sanzo to say I'm sorry.  That's when I realize it—I can plainly see Sanzo's shadow on the wall of the building next door.  He seems to be smoking; big surprise.  I tear my eyes away and look to the ground.  The door suddenly opens and I jump.

                "Oh, I thought you'd gone to bed.  Hello, Goku." Hakkai steps into the room and closes the door.  I stare at him curiously.  "I wanted to speak with you anyway.  That's why I asked Gojyo and Sanzo to share a room."

                "Speak to…me?  Why?" Hakkai smiles again.

                "Sanzo." My eyes widen and I nearly blush.  "I happened to notice it a long time ago, but I have to speak what is on my mind.  You always seem to smile more around him, and you're so protective.  You even whisper his name when you're sleeping and when you think no one can hear you." I stutter, shocked at how observant my friend is.

                "B-b-but…what brought this on?!" I think I might faint.

                "Well…" he rubs his chin.  "Mainly, I thought I should speak with you about it.  You love him, don't you?" I'm speechless, but he certainly isn't.  "I know that you must be scared to tell anyone, but I'm here.  You don't mind if I play the older brother for awhile, do you?" I shake my head dimly.

                "But…Hakkai…Sanzo's a man…" I look to the ground as I feel my face grow red.  "Don't you think he'll find it gross?  Don't you find it gross?" He shakes his head.

                "He's a man, but he's also a person.  As are you, Goku." I remain silent for a moment, then my feelings burst.

                "Okay, it's true!  I do love him—more than anything in the world!  I've loved him ever since he led me out of my prison and took me in all that time ago!  He's my sun, the light of my eye, and I would do anything for him, even give up my own life!  I love the way he speaks, the feeling of his hand in mine, and everything about him!  I love him…" I get a hold of myself and realize just how pathetic I must sound to Hakkai: words so poetic they would make a grown man blush, but spoken I such a way they would only make one laugh.  But…Hakkai smiles.

                "You know, Goku, I felt like that once, too." I blink, surprised.  "I loved my Kanan so much, and I often spoke of her like she was a goddess.  I sounded like a fool, but I loved her.  Even so, I wasn't able to protect her when she needed me most of all.  I arrived just in time to watch her die." Hakkai holds me tightly, and I wonder what's come over him.  "Goku…"

                "W-what?" I'm shocked to find that Hakkai is breaking down like this.

                "Goku, never let that fate take you or Sanzo." I don't understand.  "Please, Goku…protect each other and try to give one another all the happiness in the world.  Always keep Sanzo by your side, for one day, you might wake up to find he's been lost, like my sweet, innocent, loving Kanan.  Goku…please…" I think I get it…a bit, at least.

                "I promise…Hakkai…" I push him away and am shocked to discover he's been crying, the telltale trails of tears too obvious on his face.  "But…what is he pushes me away?"

                Hakkai looks me in the eye.  "He won't push you away.  Sanzo seems to genuinely care for you."

                I smile, and bid my friend good night.

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                "Did you sleep well?" Hakkai asks pleasantly, looking at the disheveled Gojyo and Sanzo; I doubt _either_ of them actually slept any more than an hour last night.  I make a mental note to not mess around with Gojyo today: if I do, Sanzo may actually kill us for real this time.

                "Define sleep." Comes Sanzo's voice as he aims his gun at Hakkai's head.  "If you ever force Gojyo and me to share a room again, I swear I'll blow your head off your shoulders.  You get him tonight, since you get along so well."

                "No problem, Sanzo.  But you might not want to be seen with a gun, so can you please put it away?"

                Sanzo shrugs and a scream is heard from outside.  I groan and Gojyo holds his head as he speaks.  "Come on, isn't it too early for an attack?  We just woke up, for crying out loud!  Damn it…" For once, I agree with that idiot.  If we have to fight this early in the morning, I just know that Sanzo's going to be grumpy all day…

                "Well, it's not like we have much of a choice.  Shall we?" Hakkai opens the door and we grudgingly follow.

                "Well, well, well…more victims?" A demon says as we exit the inn calmly.  Behind him, I can see about sixty or seventy more, all holding some kind of weapon.  I sigh.

                "Sanzo, there's not that many, and they're all weak!" He closes his eyes and nods, looking irritated.

                "Well, they're not going to kill themselves.  Goku, you and I will take the left and Gojyo and Hakkai will take the right.  Whoever kills the most wins.  Understood?" I'm a little surprised that Sanzo is making a game out of this, but I like the idea.  Huh.  What a surprise.

                "You're on!"

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                "I can't believe that you managed to kill thirty-six, Hakkai.  You should've left some for the rest of us, you know?" Gojyo pulls a cigarette out and lights it, taking a long drag on it.  "So…first place, Hakkai, second place is the bakasaru, third is me, and our own Sanzo came in last place.  What a surprise."

                Sanzo is busy loading his gun.  "It's not my fault that I was out of ammo.  At least I managed to not get myself hurt." I growl, angry that he brought it up.

                "And it's not my fault that the errokappa has no aim!  He hit me, so I think he should have points taken off!"

                "What was that, you bakasaru?!  It's your fault you didn't dodge!"

                "Errokappa!"

                "Bakasaru!"

                "Errokappa!

                "Bakasaru!"

                "ERROKAPPA!"

                "BAKASARU!"

                "ERRO-"

                "URUSAI!!!" Sanzo fires a shot between us and we automatically part.  I wonder if it's just me, but it seems like Sanzo's in a worse mood than usual; even his voice holds something I haven't heard in a long, long while.  I can't recognize what it is, though, no matter how hard I try.  Hakkai, however, seems to get it perfectly.

                "Sanzo, is there a hint of jealousy in your voice?" My head snaps up and Gojyo begins to laugh as Sanzo begins to speak in a rushed sort of way, a look of fury on his face.

                "Hakkai, what do you think I'm jealous of?  You know damn well that I don't get jealous of anyone, and I would think you'd remember by now that I'm the one in charge of this mission, so I get to decide whether or not I'm allowed to feel any way I want." I'm so curious, though.  I want to know exactly what he's so nervous about.

                "So, why're you in charge?" I think I know the answer to Gojyo's question.

                "Because I'm oldest and I received the mission." He's oldest?  What kinda excuse is that?

                "Really, Sanzo?  Because I think Goku's got about five hundred years on you." Oh yeah…I forgot all about that!  I am older than anyone here!  "And _you_ received the mission?  Wasn't the mission for all of us?" Sanzo scowls and whips out his weapon.

                "I HAVE A GUN!!!" Oh…damn, I'd forgotten that his gun lets him have his way, too…

                "Sanzo, Hakuryu says he needs a break; in the confusion in our room last night, he couldn't sleep.  I think it's  a bit too hard on him anyway…this terrain is very rugged…" Gojyo and Sanzo have both shut their mouths and stared at Hakkai, identical looks of shock on their faces.

                "What kind of confusion?" Sanzo asks, his face contorted slightly.  I cock my head curiously.

                "Oh, well, I kind of had a breakdown, so Goku took care of me.  One thing led to another and…" Gojyo goes red and looks at me.

                "What?"  I ask, wondering what the errokappa is thinking.

                "What did you two do last night, anyway?!" He asks indignantly, eyes wide.  I suddenly get the picture.

                "Oh, gross!  Keep your perverted thoughts to yourself!  All that happened was that Hakkai started crying and I rubbed his back for awhile!  Then we talked about Kanan for a little bit and said some other stuff about the trip and then we both went to our _separate_ beds and went to sleep!" To my surprise, Sanzo sighs in apparent relief as I finish this statement.

                "Hakkai, don't make it sound that bed!  Uh…I mean, bad!" I laugh as Sanzo slips up for possibly the first time since we began.  But still…what's making him so nervous?

                "Man, what's up with you?" Gojyo asks, poking Sanzo.  He doesn't answer.

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                We arrive at another town by nightfall, and I locate the best restaurant in the place instantly; everyone else is hungry, anyway, so nobody is against the idea.  However, they all failed to realize that the inn above the restaurant is exceptionally small, so the chances of a room are slim.  Sanzo's gonna kill me if he finds out, but I don't care; Sanzo can do what he wants, I won't stop him.  I might try, though…

                However, after about four servings of food, everyone is stuffed, and Hakkai is attempting to get us a room upstairs.  We happen to be in luck—there are two free rooms tonight.  Gojyo and Hakkai are going to share one and Sanzo and I are sharing the other.  I think Hakkai did that on purpose, and the little wink he gives me as he goes up to his room is all it takes for me to understand what he means for me to do tonight: I'm to confess to Sanzo about how I feel, and, hopefully, hear him do the same.

                I _am_ pretty nervous, though…

                I retreat to our room and sit on the bed, staring out the window; there's a full moon in the sky, and I don't think I've ever seen anything quite so beautiful.  The blue light that cascades onto the ground is so bright it almost feels like it's a blue sun that has risen instead of the moon as I know it.  And the room is so clean and tidy…like the temple…

                "Goku, are you okay?" I jump, but turn to face Sanzo all the same.  He was concerned, and that surprised me.  However, that was nothing.  He stepped forward and placed his cool palm on my forehead, something he'd never done before, and looked into my eyes.  I feel my face flush.

                "Uh…I'm fine, Sanzo…" I manage.  My heart is trying to burst out of my chest, it's beating so hard.  I can hardly breathe.

                The concern on his face is all too obvious, and I have to wonder what he's thinking.  He places a hand to my wrist and holds it, taking a pulse.  "Goku, your heartbeat is out of control!  What's the matter?" He lifts his hand off my wrist, but I'm too quick, and I grasp it in my own.  Yes…Sanzo's hand is just as warm and dry as the day I met him; it's just as inviting.  "Goku..?  What're you doing?"

                I can't hold back any longer, and I throw my arms around his neck, holding him to me so tightly that everything else slips away.  Even if it's only for just a little while, I want us to stay this way.  Even if he pushes me away, I want to hold him like this for just a moment and remember what it feels like forever.  But he doesn't push me away; instead, he slowly puts his arms around my shoulders and pulls me closer.  I could honestly cry, I'm so happy, and I nearly do.  Sanzo is holding me, and letting his barriers down just this once.  I'm so happy…

                "Goku…" he murmurs, his voice like a trickle of water.  "Let me hold you…please…my Goku…"

                We remain like this for a time.  And, to be honest, nothing feels better.

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                I know when I'm awake, but I don't believe I want to get up just yet; I can feel a certain warmth to me that I've never felt before, and, to my shock, I roll over to find Sanzo on the bed right next to me, the bed he was given completely ignored.  My hands travel down and pull the blankets to my waist, and I suppress the urge to gasp as I notice that neither of us are wearing our shirts.  Memories flash by of last night, and I shiver with something I can't express.

                I remember Sanzo removing my shirt…the kisses, so warm and gentle…and the pleasure shared between us…

                I became one with Sanzo, and I know this is right.  How could something that felt so perfect be wrong?  And I fit his body perfectly—my curled back fits like a piece of a puzzle with his chiseled front, and the tender embrace we shared left no space between us.  I remember moaning out his name, and hearing him say mine like it was a treasure as we both reached our climax.  Our clothes lay forgotten on the ground, and I only just realized that it must be well past the time we usually get up.  I slowly, regretfully untangle myself from the mess that is him and our bed sheets and redress, placing a small kiss on his cheek to wake him up.

                "I'm gonna go find Hakkai and Gojyo.  Come down for breakfast." I watch him nod.  To be honest, I don't think he can believe what we did last night either.  But…it did happen.  And I remember everything.  And his last words before we fell asleep, too.

                _"God, Goku, I love you so much…"_

__Author's note__

Rein: Well, I don't particularly like shonen ai, but I had to make an exception.  You see, a friend of mine recently passed away, and he wanted me to do this fic.  So…this is a fic to honor him with.  All I want is to make sure he gets what he wants…and, by the way, I don't own Saiyuki.  Will that do for a disclaimer for the entire story, which is continued later?  Hope so.


	2. The Blessed of the Damned

                I trudge downstairs, yawning widely, and look to the clock; it's well past time to get on the road, but I personally don't care at all.  I mean, after last night, I think there's nothing I could do right, anyway; I've got such a limp, and I can only hope that Hakkai and Gojyo don't notice it…Sanzo and I have got to keep this a secret, after all…I think.  But, then…I have to wonder if it was the right thing last night to do what we did…I love him dearly and everything, but Sanzo and I were only together for about a half hour before…before…well, _that._

                I peek into the dining room and find that Hakkai and Gojyo seem to be enjoying a nice, warm cup of coffee and laughing about something.  Well, I hope they're not too suspicious…

                I take a deep breath as I step inside the room.  "Hey, guys; what's up?" They look at me, and I almost feel as though they're seeing through me.  Hakkai smiles and pulls back a chair, at which I sigh in relief; Hakkai might not suspect a thing if that's how he's treating me.  Gojyo, on the other hand, seems a little nervous, which is scary in itself.  "Uh…guys?"

                "Goku, where is Sanzo?" Hakkai asks, a smile upon his lips.  I have to keep myself from acting too anxious.

                "Um…I think he's getting ready to leave, if that's what you mean; he's in our room, if you wanna check on him…" Yeah, Goku, _real_ smooth.  Gotta make up for it somehow…and I don't hesitate to try.  "Is there any food?  I'm starving!" Hakkai turns to Gojyo.

                "Gojyo, can you go check on Sanzo?  If he's up, I think you should alert the kitchens that we'll need some food." Gojyo grumbles something about hating priests and walks off nonetheless.  Hakkai sighs, then looks up into my face.  "Well, Goku, that takes care of Gojyo for a little while at least.  How did last night go?" I look to the ground, and I hear Hakkai's sharp intake of breath.  "Oh, Goku…tell me what happened…" I breathe deeply, ridding myself of the lump in my throat undoubtedly caused by nerves.

                "Well…uh…" I feel myself grow red as I recall last night in perfect detail.  "Well, I was acting weird, and I guess Sanzo thought I was sick or something, so he took my temperature; when he tried to remove his hand, I grabbed it then hugged him real tight.  Sanzo hugged me back and asked me to let him hold me for a little while and some things happened and we had sex." I sigh, happy that I got that off my chest, but Hakkai seems taken aback.

                "I…wasn't entirely aware…that your relationship would progress so rapidly." I glance at his face, which has something I don't recognize on it.

                "What?" His choice of words confuses me…let's see…our relationship _progressed_…that means it…moved forward…very fast.  "Oh…" Now that I understand, all I have to do is say something…anything…so I do.  "Well, I'm not sure it was right to move that quickly, but it'll probably work out.  Besides, Sanzo started it." Hakkai smiles.

                "Well, since Sanzo doesn't tend to act unless he knows it's what he wants, I think you two will be fine.  It's likely that he's subdued feelings for you for some time, just as you did for him." I look into his face and a question hits me.

                "Hakkai, can I ask something?  Why are you so willing to help me out like this?"

                "Well, I already told you." I hear footsteps from the hall and smell cigarettes, so I try not to look; instead, I simply stare at the table.  "Goku, I'm eager to play the older brother for you; I never got a chance to do that before, and you're so much like what I imagine a little brother would be.  I just want to make sure you're doing alright and everything…" Sanzo and Gojyo enter the room as Hakkai asks me something.  "So, Goku…are you okay with me acting like your big brother when you need it?"

                Sanzo's hair is slightly ruffled in the back and he seems to be attempting to tame it.  "I thought I was the one who was supposed to do that…" Gojyo is obviously confused.  His eyes are narrowed in confusion, and I can't help but think that I'm going to laugh at him.  Instead, I answer Sanzo.

                "Morning, Sanzo!  Hakkai means to just give me advice and junk like that!  You can do everything else!" I suppress a yawn.

                "Well, we'd best be off.  I imagine our presence will likely alert Homura and the others to this town…" Hakkai begins, only to be cut off.

                "When you talk about someone, you should make sure they're not already in the same place as you…especially if you're trying to avoid them.  Them, namely being us, of course." I look up in shock to see Homura, Zenon, and Shien.  Dammit, how'd they just appear out of nowhere like that?  "I was hoping to fight you today, Goku." I jump up, smirking.  This could be fun!

                "Let's take it outside, then!" I rush out of the building, the others on my heels.  I know I have to clear a spot to fight, so I yell.  "EVERYONE!  HEY, EVERYONE!  WE'RE GONNA FIGHT, SO CAN YOU PLEASE GO INSIDE?" I can hear Sanzo mutter something like 'idiot.'

                "Well, well, well…" Homura looks around at the people staring at me.  Not one has moved.  "Watch and learn, my dear Goku." He surveys his crowd.  "May I have your attention?  Thank you.  I am Homura, the war god.  I am to fight with this young man, and it is my request that if you like your life as it is, you simply go inside." Few people don't rush inside, and all he does is ignore their stares.  "Do you see now, Son Goku?  The power of a god's title can disperse a crowd instantly.  You should remember that from your time in heaven."

                I'm getting a little annoyed with his superior act.  "Whatever.  Let's go, already!" He chuckles.

                "As you wish." A moment later, I can taste dirt and blood as he rams my jaw into the ground beneath me.  I can hear Sanzo yell my name, but I ignore it for the time being.  Instead, I grasp Homura's wrist and fling him into my place.  He looks into my face, amusement in his eyes.  "Very good, Goku.  You're improving!"

                "Yeah!  You're going down!" I manage to avoid his next blow as he leaps to his feet, following it up by lunging forward, intending to punch me.  I turn to avoid his blow and kick his jaw…or, at least, I try to.  As soon as I make contact, he slips away and elbows me square in the back.  Suddenly, I hear Zenon's gun and Gojyo's yell of pain.  My momentary lapse of concentration results in a fist connecting with my chest.  I gasp for breath, forcing myself to remain on my feet.  Dammit…as good as I get, Homura's always one step ahead of me!  However, as he comes forward with his blade for the first time, I leap as high as I can.  He waits patiently for me to descend.

                "Goku, you'll never win like that!" Suddenly, I feel someone's arms seize me and I yell, surprised that this has happened.  The fight below comes to a hold as I realize that it's Shien who has grabbed me.  A second later, I feel a prick on my neck and everything goes dark.  However, I do hear one thing before this:

                "GOKU!!!" …Sanzo.

------------------------------------

                I don't know where I am…whatever I'm on right now is freezing, and I can't move a muscle.  The air reeks of blood and ash, and I can't hear anything but a single set of footsteps.  Someone lifts my jaw off my chest; I guess I was somewhat upright.

                "Ah, so you've woken up." I manage to open my eyes and, with great effort, glare at my captor: Homura.  Closer inspection of his face reveals that I must've hit him pretty hard; he's still got a bruise on his cheek.  I turn away to inspect my surroundings.  It's not unlike the first time he captured me, and the place is actually somewhat nicer.  I can't help but think that this is supposed to be inviting, but the scent this place has scares me.  I smell human and demon blood all over and there's no escaping the sickening stench of death.

                "W-what…did you do t-to me…?" I ask, unable to keep my eyes open any longer.  My voice is foreign, and I can't speak in anything more than a whisper; there's no way that I can keep this up.  What happened to me?

               Homura steps up and places his hand on my waist; I don't even have the energy to twitch, but instead, I growl.  No one is allowed to touch me like that except Sanzo, and I let it be known.  I hear a voice as a burning breath of air coats my ear: "All I did was tie you here and give you a sedative to keep you still for awhile.  _Shien_, on the other hand, hit a pressure point that initially knocked you unconscious so that we could bring you here." I force my eyes open again to find his hand is undoing the button of my jeans; that's when it hits me—I can't feel this!

                "What are you doing, you b-bastard?" I breathe, disgusted.  He obviously scares me now: I'm in a place _he_ brought me, completely at _his_ mercy, and unable to move.  He smirks and pulls my jeans to my ankles, following with my underwear.  "Let me…go!" I turn away as he places a hand on my cheek; I didn't notice when he let go of my jaw.

                "Go?  Oh, no, Goku…I've planned this for some time now…" I hear his fly come undone.

                "Stop…" I whisper as I feel his breath growing slightly labored.  No one's here to save me…all I can do is try to get out of this myself.  "Just…stop…" Tears come to my eyes as I feel the unwelcome object pierce me.  It wasn't like this with Sanzo…oh, Sanzo!  "SANZO, HELP!" I scream, pain wracking my small frame.  "PLEASE, SANZO!!  SANZO!  WHERE ARE YOU?!  HELP ME!!!" Homura's hand connects cleanly with my cheek, shouting something at me; I don't listen.  "SANZO!  GET HIM OFF ME!  DAMMIT, SANZO, WHERE ARE YOU?!  WHY AREN'T YOU COMING TO SAVE ME?!  WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM DO THIS?!  WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?!"

                I feel him come inside me and pull out, leaving me to sob alone.

-----------------------

                It's too much.  I can't believe that this is happening.  I let my guard down once and got myself captured by Homura.  He took me…and raped me.  I've been defiled by _him_.

                And Sanzo didn't come to save me.  Not once during the time in which I was forced to endure this torment…not once did he come as I screamed his name.  And…Homura…he said horrible, horrible things as he tortured me.  When he said that if Sanzo loved me, then he wouldn't have let me be captured, all I could say was that it wasn't true.  I told him that he said he loved me…and he said that the one time he did, I was exhausted and probably not hearing right.  He kept saying Sanzo didn't love me…that he used me…

                I thought about it and it all made sense.  Sanzo doesn't love me at all…he never did.  If he did, I would be safe in his arms.

                That's how it works…right?

---------------------

                I don't make a sound now.  Homura takes me like he has countless times in the last three days…and I'm silent…empty.  I hear him laugh as he pulls his clothes back on and puts the tattered remains of my pants back on me, and my blank eyes stare into him.  He smiles.

                "Well, Zenon is contacting your dear Sanzo right now…shall we watch?" My eyes widen, still vacant, and he pulls out what appears to be a mirror.  I look into it to see my friends.

---------------------

                "Sanzo, you look like hell." Gojyo comments as Sanzo puts out a cigarette on the dirt that is the road beneath him.  His hair is disheveled and greasy, and he has no light in his eyes.  He doesn't respond, but does speed up walking to catch up to Hakkai, whose shoulders sag with the weight of an invisible burden and bows his head.

                "Sanzo, we'll find Goku; don't worry." At this precise moment, Zenon comes into view.  Hakkai gasps and Gojyo runs forward, while Sanzo, way ahead of him, grabs his collar, putting a gun to his head.

                "Tell me where Goku is _now_." Zenon smirks.

                "Put the gun away and I'll tell 'ya." Sanzo slowly lowers his gun and glares at the god, rage on his features.  "Well, now…so you know, Goku's alive.  In fact, he's watchin' us right now.  Homura's got 'im." I watch, sickened, as he begins to laugh.  "You should see him.  Poor guy…don't think he knows which way's up anymore.  As for his health…well, Homura tries to feed him, but he throws up everything you give him." I can't believe what he says next—that guy is going to pay!  "Homura's having fun; says Goku's the best fuck he's had in ages." Sanzo's sharp intake of breath is all I hear for a reaction.  "At first, though, he was noisy as hell.  Kept callin' out for Sanzo, y'know, the whole 'Sanzo, help me!' 'Sanzo, where are you?!' 'Sanzo, why aren't you saving me?!' and other crap like that."

                Sanzo's fists are shaking as he grits his teeth—blood drips down his knuckled.  "Y-you're lying…" He whispers, voice traced with panic.  "You know you are.  He's safe.  After all, what proof do you have?"

                "Yeah, keep convincing yourself, monk." He throws down what looks like my shirt and, as if he's in shock, Sanzo is silent.  "Y'know, after about two days, he stopped screaming and crying and everything.  The poor thing's just been staring at the door, sorta looking blank.  I've never seen such blank eyes…not even Nataku's that lifeless, and he's comatose…" A bullet is fired right at Zenon's forehead, dissipating instantly.

                "What does he want?" Zenon stares into Sanzo's purple orbs.

                "Homura wants to have the Maten scripture you reclaimed.  Give it to me now and I'll take you to your precious monkey.  I'll even let you have him back, free of other charge!" Sanzo grits his teeth, pulling the sutra off his shoulders.  "Good boy…" I want to stop him, but I can't.  Sanzo hands Zenon the scripture and follows him.  "Don't worry about a thing.  Homura!  Get Goku to the gate!"

                With that, the mirror goes blank.

--------------Author's Note-------------

                Rein: Ryan's tribute seems to be popular.  But…I still feel bad for Goku…

                K-Chan: You cruel, sadistic, heartless bitch…


	3. Truths

I let my gaze drop to the ground as Homura unties the bonds around my ankles and frees me; I can't look anyone in the eye anymore—all I'll see are his glaring, evil, mismatched eyes staring into the very depths of my soul, no matter who I look to. After all that's happened, I don't think I can ever see anyone besides this evil half god; I won't even see myself.

Homura unbinds my wrists and I fall harshly to the ground, unwilling to move. Even if I could move my aching muscles, I wouldn't dare so much as blink in his company.

I know Sanzo doesn't love me, so I was surprised to see that he would give up his Maten Scripture to save me. I thought...I knew that I was nothing more than an irritant to him, and always have been. I was nothing, but I loved him; I guess it was unrequited.

I hear Homura's voice from above me and I cringe. "Well, well...I believe he might just want you back; he's even given up the Maten Scripture we so desperately need, which he so fiercely protects. He truly is Konzen Douji in every possible way." Since I still refuse to move, the heretic lifts me upon his hard, muscular shoulders, with absolutely no gentleness that a normal person would present. "I suppose he likes his plaything."

I don't need to look up to know we've reached the door; the sunlight I once loved is too painful.

"Give Goku to me now," I hear Sanzo's voice, looking up at him. Every last thing about him is disheveled—his golden hair is all over, his robes are torn, and the eyes I feel boring into me are wide and fearful. Next to him is a grinning Zenon, who holds the scripture, which lacks its usual glow. Suddenly, I'm thrown roughly to the ground, tasting dirt once more.

"You can have him back; thanks for the sutra." Homura and Zenon vanish, leaving me alone with the one I thought loved me.

And, as I attempt to fall into a blessed sleep to escape life, I feel his arms suddenly wrap around my battered body, his warmth spreading to my cold, cold body. I hear his voice say, softly, "Oh, Goku...I...Goku, I was...let's go..." His voice is barely more than a whisper.

I'm lifted from the ground and positioned into bridal style. I keep my eyes shut as he carries me, my body bouncing with each step, my aching body screaming for rest, the light of the sun passing in flashes through my eyelids. He's completely silent except for his breathing, so all I hear are the birds chirping and the sound of the wind passing through the trees above; the scent of leaves surrounds me.

And my heart continues to pound; a slow, mournful beat.

It seems to take us such little time, but soon, I hear the voices that tell of a village. People are gasping as we pass them, and I hear whispers all around me. Sanzo stops, and I open my eyes to find Hakkai and Gojyo staring at us, horrified.

And I wonder why I can't shake free of Sanzo's grasp even though, right now, I hate him more than anyone for not saving me.

---------------------------

Hakkai closed my wounds, bandaged me, and left; Sanzo hasn't left my side even once, but I pay no mind to this. We remain alone, an uneasy silence hanging around us like a fog.

"So..." Sanzo attempts to break the spell, but I refuse to listen. "I...Goku, when Zenon told us...I was so..." He trails off and I continue to stare determinedly at the ceiling. I feel him place a finger to my lips, and I shiver. "I was...so...forget it. You obviously don't want to talk now..." As he walks away, I watch him, his retreating figure burnt into my eyes.

After I have only a moment to myself (in which I turn around in the bed and face the wall), Gojyo enters and sits down, the bed sagging under his weight.

"Yo..." I hear him say, his voice wavering slightly. "Me and Hakkai...we were...uh, we were really worried about you, but Sanzo was in a right state; y'know, I wouldn't have put it past the stupid monk to have screwed you himself..." I twitch and Gojyo stops. "Oh...Goku...I didn't mean...I just...I was...ah, shit, I don't know...I was just trying to do something..." I don't move—I _can't_ move; Gojyo doesn't realize it, but I've reached the point in which I am able to do nothing more than hear, see, and think. He clears his throat. "I...I'll just leave..."

The door opens and closes, so I allow myself to close my eyes. However, Hakkai's voice surprises me—"Are you going to stay like this, Goku?" I can't face him either; he told me Sanzo loved me...he lied to me! "Are you going to give up?"

Give up?

"Goku, Sanzo loved you more than anything; if he didn't, he wouldn't have given up his Maten Scripture in order to get you back. Believe me—Sanzo loves you, even now..." My back boils.

"Sanzo doesn't give a damn about me, so I'm not gonna bother him now," I say, my voice like ice. Hakkai suddenly turns me towards him so that I'm forced to stare into his sad, kind, vibrant green eyes. I nearly want to cry as I notice that they're brimming with tears.

"That isn't true...please, believe me...it's not true..." I grit my teeth.

"Of course it's true, Hakkai! Homura defiled me...he raped me! And if Sanzo really loved me like you claim he did, then I wouldn't have been hurt like--"

Slap. That's right, Hakkai slapped me. Tears travel freely down his cheeks and his emerald eyes glow with a sadness that I've never seen or known. "Goku..." He wipes his tears away. "I once had a woman I loved...Kanan..." Yeah, I've heard of Kanan; she died in front of him—he saw her die.

"I used to be a human teacher...'Cho Gonou'...and she was the light of my life. She was so open...happy...so full of life...and I loved her more than even my own existence..." He smiles, but I can see his immense pain. "She was...everything to me...she was just everything...but something happened..." I blink.

"...What?" His smile fades as he looks at me.

"She was raped and impregnated by Hyakugen Maoh. Once I'd arrived to save her, I saw her die...she was so ashamed that she killed herself. I...I couldn't save her...but, three years ago, Gojyo told me that it didn't mean I didn't love her. He was right; even though I loved her, I couldn't save her...but I've always wished I could hold her just once more...just one final time...I wish I could feel her warmth..." I hold back sobs as I take this in; how horrible must it have felt to watch the person you love kill themselves and be unable to stop them? I don't...I could _never_ live with myself if...I couldn't take it...I couldn't. "I don't want that to happen to you and Sanzo..." a lump grows in my throat.

"Neither do I..." I whisper, tears falling from my eyes as I see Hakkai smile—a real, true genuine smile—for the first time ever. I throw myself into his arms and I sob.

------------------

Rein: ...I'm starting to _really_ regret writing this for Ryan. However, I don't think I'll stop _quite_ yet...I've still got more chapters to go...grumbles


	4. Undeniable Complications

I awaken to discover that the sun's already risen—nobody woke me up. Not two seconds later, I remember what happened and hold my mouth; I feel like I'm gonna start crying again. However, I know that I can't remain like this for long, and that I should get my act together.

Hence, I pull on one of my outfits, clear my throat, look in the mirror, and go down the stairs. I only just began to realize it, too—our rooms are always upstairs when we stop at inns and stuff…how weird. But, the moment I step on the landing, my courage vanishes; Sanzo, Gojyo, and Hakkai are all sitting there with the most serious looks on their faces. I can tell that they've been up for hours now, at least. As though someone whispered it to them, they all look to me at once, and Hakkai smiles.

"Ah, good morning, Goku; did you sleep well?" I can't find my voice, so I nod and shrug—it's not like I can say 'I guess so'. "Are you hungry?" I shake my head, still mute. "No? That's odd…" Gojyo looks at me.

"It's not odd; it's abnormal!" I sit across from Sanzo, looking down.

I mean, I understood what Hakkai told me and all, but I still don't…I can't possibly…for some reason, I still can't find a way to trust Sanzo, even though I know it's not his fault. If I could somehow find a reason to explain this, I don't know what it would've been…

"Sanzo?" I hear Hakkai say, strangely distantly. "…Are we going to fight Homura and the others to get your scripture back?" To my surprise, I hear Sanzo dismiss this with a 'hmph.'

"Who said that I gave him the Maten Scripture?" I snap my head up at this, but obviously, I'm not the only one that's surprised about this: Gojyo's elbow slips off the table and Hakkai chokes on his morning tea. I want to ask, but Gojyo takes care of that for me.

"If that wasn't your stupid sutra, then what was it, ya' damn monk?!"

Sanzo opens his eyes, an annoyed expression on his face. "If you must know, that was something given to me by another Sanzo a long time ago; all it contains are the instructions as to how you make perfect paper airplanes." I blink and imagine the look on Homura's face when he realizes all he got was an instruction book; I nearly laugh.

"So why does the great jackass of the group have something that pointless?!" I hear Sanzo's gun go off and cover my ears; it sounds like…it sounds like…it sounds like…

"Goku?" Hakkai places his hand on my head and I flinch slightly, causing him to remove it. "Are you okay, Goku?" I whimper.

Hakkai's voice comes out softly enough that only I can hear him: "It's okay, Goku…I promise, you'll be fine from now on…" He then turns away and faces the others. "Well, at the very least, we should stay here today so that Goku can rest for a little while, maybe get his appetite back. He needs to recover." I look up.

And, for just one moment, it seems as though everyone at this table has seen 60 years of hell.

----------------------Later-------

I'm sharing a room with Sanzo tonight, and I'm more than a little nervous; I haven't spoken to anyone since my outburst at Hakkai yesterday, and I don't think things are going too well between me and Sanzo. I cringe as I notice that there's only one bed in this room; do I have to share a bed with someone I can't even trust any longer, much less even touch?

Sanzo sighs as he removes his robe, revealing jeans and tight leather. For some reason, it doesn't have its usual effect on me. He places the robe on the floor and sits on the bed, pulling out a cigarette; come to think of it, something I missed _was_ the smell of Sanzo's cigs…while I was…

Somehow, it doesn't seem right to me that I ever thought Sanzo could be the type to love and cherish someone like I could. He doesn't let anything hold him back from what he wants to do and has a no-strings-attached type of personality when compared to people like Hakkai. I never should've fallen in love with him; he's exactly the opposite of what a lover should and can be, and I was such a fool for thinking that we could be together. I want to die…right now, I want to just let everything end and be at peace for once; I want to get out of what I've dug myself into.

And I can't _ever_ face him again; I can't believe that I let him…I can't believe I let him come onto me and…I can't believe that I _slept_ with him, even just one time…but I did. And what's worse, I actually enjoyed it, as though it was someone I could be with doing it…

"What?" I snap out of my thoughts and realize that I was staring at Sanzo the whole time; how embarrassing. I look away quickly and settle for looking at the wall Sanzo faces, which remains right behind me, not two centimeters from my face. I hear him sigh. "You damn monkey…are you going to stay mute for your whole life?" I don't answer.

"If you want to act like you want to be pitied, then do it for the villagers, got it? I know you better than this."

I'm so confused; what happened to the kind, gentle Sanzo that saved me? What happened to the man who gave me such a warm embrace and spoke so softly? Where are the words he tried to speak while he looked at me, filled with kind worry and sympathy? How is it that he could possibly change this much in one day, and act as though nothing happened to me at all?

I hear his cold voice again. "Maybe you don't want to talk; maybe you can't talk. I don't care which it is, but it might actually be an improvement…I won't have to hear you complain about being hungry all the time anymore…" As soon as I hear this, I start crying; I don't even know why, but that cold a voice coming from him makes me so sad…

That's when I feel a hand on my shoulder and try to wrench it off, only to have my hand grasped by his. I throw what I can of my arms over my face in defense.

"You…total idiot…" I blink; his voice is softer! "I don't want…I don't want to watch…you hurt anymore…" Huh? I don't really get how he can just change like this. "The Goku I know would never let himself sink so low as to shut all his words away; he would yell at me for not saving him without thinking…he would tell me that he would've wanted to stay in that mountain prison…he would look at me with those eyes that say more than a thousand words ever could…" I look up.

"You may not think I care about you…" He looks a bit pissed, but his purple eyes are compassionate. "…but the truth of the matter is that you're…you're more…the truth is, you're more precious than…most anyone I ever met…"

…_Most_ anyone? I look into his eyes, confused. He closes them lightly.

"The only person that I _might've_ cared about more than you…was the priest Koumyou Sanzo, who actually raised me. I don't tell anyone about this, so you had better not either, got it?" I nod. "See…Koumyou Sanzo was a great man…he was kind, compassionate, gentle, and forgiving. In other words, he was the opposite of me. He raised me from the time I was a child because he heard my voice calling for him. That was…the way I found you. I heard your voice calling me, so I went up there to smack you and tell you to shut up." I…I didn't know that…

He looks at the sky outside and smirks. "You know, I must be the worst kind of lover there is; I don't know how to comfort you now and I couldn't protect you from Homura or anything. This relationship is off to a rocky start, and I don't know how it will continue; however, I'm willing to try to get better at it so long as you are okay with two things." I look up and nod him on.

"Okay…first, no public displays of affection…you know, the whole 'hugging, kissing, holding hands' thing when we're around other people." I nod; makes sense. "And second, no forcing each other into things; got it?"

I flush lightly and nod; I think he actually gets what I feel right now…he just doesn't know what to do. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, I speak, my voice crackling.

"Sanzo…" I croak, earning a raised eyebrow. "I don't know when I'll be able to fully trust anyone again…so are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't…who can't…well, you know…someone who can't even trust themselves anymore?"

He looks at me. "I'll make you trust people again; I'll make you trust me for sure…"

I blink, and I smile, happy that he gets what I need.

-----------------Two months later---------

I yawn as we drive along, exhausted for reasons unknown to me. Sanzo's been true to his word; he puts a lot of effort into our relationship while following the boundaries he set early on—no public displays of affection, no forcing one another to do anything. And he's slowly regaining my trust. He's healthy and as nice as he gets, but I'm certainly not. Things are strange lately; for instance, I can't fight all that well, have no appetite, and every time I smell a cigarette, I get really, seriously nauseous. As a result, Sanzo's been cutting back on the cigs.

Now, driving through the desert, Gojyo's ashes land on my hand, earning a yelp out of me. "Hey, you errokappa! Put that thing out, will you?!"

Not skipping a beat, he retorts with, "I don't want to, you bakasaru!"

"Errokappa!"

"Bakasaru!"

"Errokappa!!"

"Bakasaru!!"

"ERRO--"

"URUSAI!!!" Three gunshots and a yell later, Gojyo and I are on _very_ good terms. I marvel at Sanzo's ability to shut us up; like I've said before, it always works. A perfect examp—

Hakkai suddenly stops Hakuryu, jerking us all forward. After a long string of colorful words from Gojyo, we notice the reason for which he stopped.

"…Hey." It's none other than the Merciful Goddess, who smiles at us.

Sanzo stands up, robes billowing out. "What the hell do you want from us, you impertinent little bitch?" This nearly earns a laugh from me, but I remain silent as h-sh-…uh, as he/she/it looks my way; what in the name of hell do you call a hermaphrodite, anyway?

"Actually, Konzen, I only came to congratulate Goku; that's all…" …Sanzo's ticked. His fists clench.

"Why do all you 'gods' call me 'Konzen' anyway?" I guess he does have a point in there…I mean, every single so-called god that we've ever met has referred to him by the name of 'Konzen,' or 'Konzen Douji.'

However, the Merciful Goddess simply waves and turns around. "Ciao." He/she/it walks off and vanishes amidst Sanzo's cursing. I can feel everyone's eyes on me, and I sort of cringe from all the attention I'm getting all of a sudden. But then…what did he/she/it mean when h—_they_ congratulated me? YES! I CAME UP WITH A TERM FOR THEM!!

Hakkai simply revs Hakuryu's engine and continues our journey.

We've arrived at a small town's inn, only to discover that there's only one room available to stay in. Being in the bar is making me queasy, so I go upstairs—funny, how we always are upstairs. I don't get why, but Hakkai follows me up, entering the room right after me.

"What's up?" I ask, leaning against the bed. Hakkai smiles, as usual.

"Well, to be completely honest, I was actually wondering exactly why it is that the Merciful Goddess decided to come to earth just to congratulate you. Do you know why she did?" So…Hakkai calls them a 'she'…

I sigh, however, and rest my arm on the top of the bed, stretching my legs across a futon. "I was wondering about that too, Hakkai. I really don't have a clue why, either. That's really all there is to it." Hakkai gives way to a more serious face and leans in towards me, hands out before him.

"I have…" He begins as I flinch, pulling myself closer to the bed in what I can and can't describe as fright. "…a general idea, Goku. Just let me read your chi…" I nod, curious as to his theory. A moment later, he pulls back, amazed.

I have to know now. "What is it?" I ask, smiling. :What do you--"

"Goku, you're pregnant!" Hakkai whispers, eyes wide. "I can feel that…well, your chi isn't the only one inside of your body…you seem to be two months along…"

My first reaction to this news is shock; I slip and end up sliding down the side of the bed. First, shock; second, I feel so happy! I'm going to have a baby! I don't know how or why, but I am, and I love kids! That's when I stop to realize the horrible truth—this baby was conceived two months ago…and that's when Homura raped me! My hands travel in opposite directions: one goes to my mouth and the other to the all-to-obvious bulge in my lower gut that's gone unnoticed up until now…Homura's baby!

"Oh, god…" I whisper as I hear Sanzo and Gojyo's voices carry up the stairs, presumably in the midst of an argument. I suddenly remember that there's a knife in Hakkai's bag and realize that it's the only way I can get out of this. I grab it and turn as Hakkai steps closer—I have the advantage; the door's on _my_ side.

"GOKU!!" I escape.

After running down the stairs, I race through the bar, startling Sanzo and Gojyo with the tears that trail down my cheeks. It all makes sense now—the sickness, the weakness…even the loss of appetite. They were all signs of this monster that grows within me…

I hear three pairs of feet in pursuit of me and I run to the speed that my limits allow me to. I know just how hard it is to lose them, so I run down random, countless alleyways and eventually find myself all alone.

The time to do this is now. I pull out the sharp blade and, stifling a sob, I pierce the soft, pale flesh of my wrist, watching my own blood.

"Goku..!!" Hakkai and the others appear at the end of my current alley, each wearing their own expression of shock, horror, and who knows what else they could possibly be thinking. Each appears to be biting their tongue.

"…what?" I ask, eyes narrowed.

Hakkai looks at me, his green eyes pleading for something I don't know, and hence can never give him. "Please, Goku…put it down…don't do what Kanan did…" I glare, tears still falling from my eyes, blood still dripping from my wrist. I put the sharp tip to my throat.

"I can't let this bastard child live! What if it's Homura's?!" I nearly yell, allowing the tip to pierce my skin.

Hakkai is livid; I've never seen him looking so angry. "And what if it's Sanzo's?!" I freeze, shocked. I never considered the idea that I may be carrying Sanzo's child…but I guess we did do…that…two months ago, as well. "See, Goku…now, give me that knife…"I let my hands drop to my stomach and stare at the knife that I've dropped, nudging it forward with my foot. It takes me all of two seconds to fall to my knees, trembling, as I feel the first evidence of a new life growing inside of me: a warmth in the cold that is my body.

Hakkai's knife was the one that Kanan girl used to kill herself, if I recall, so I feel kind of bad for dirtying it…I hope he doesn't mind. He doesn't seem to. "I need to patch you up, Goku. Then, once you're healed up again, we'll do some research o find out how you became pregnant…is that okay?" I nod, blank, basking in my child. "Good…I need to close this wound, so please hold still."

I'm dimly aware of Sanzo's arms gently lifting me, and I'm forced to wonder what it is he's thinking. But…how do I figure out whose child I carry? And what's worse, I can't face Sanzo. Above all else, my having a baby must've seemed impossible to him and been the last thing he wanted when he made love to me.

But, right now, all I want is to be alive.

---------------Author's note---------

Rein: This was probably unexpected, huh? Well, I personally was _not_ looking forward to this.

Oh, and another thing. I can't find your screen name right now, so I'll call you O-san. O-san, that was more than two cents.

K-Chan: It was more like two DOLLARS!

CHAPTER 4 POLL: What do you think is the best idea?

A. Homura, upon learning Goku's 'condition,' decides to attempt to restore his memories.

B. Nataku awakens and seeks out Goku, aided by Homura.

C. Homura removes Goku's power limiter so he'll kill Sanzo.

D. Homura tries to kidnap Goku again to keep 'his' child to himself.


	5. Heretical

Here's a short story about why I'm doing this story (kudos to those who asked!)

HOW RYAN DIED:

See, I'd just gotten off the phone with him after angrily shouting at him for being unable--for the third time--to provide a timeframe for when I could come visit him over the summer. He'd recently moved to a new home, whereas I had moved several years prior. It was about a week later...that I learned what had happened to my friend.

The day I'd yelled at him...that very night, he was hit by a car and left to die. He was taken to the hospital. The day I found out, it was too late; since he was brain-dead, he'd been taken off of life support. My friend was dead.

I had received an e-mail back in May, saying he wanted me to write a fic for him. He always thought of me as Sanzo, and Alex (our friend) as Goku. The e-mail read: "Goku has sex with Sanzo, then gets kidnapped and raped by Homura. He gets pregnant and (removed for those who don't want spoilers). Will you do it?

Naturally, I was sarcastic at first. I said I'd do it when I had fallen in love with yaoi and mpregs, which would be never. But he always asked, as a joke, if I would in every e-mail after that. So, upon his death, I began to write it.

End of explanation. But then, you probably didn't need to hear all that, ne? Here's the fic!

--------End A/n-----------------------------------------------

It's strange...to be honest, the only way of putting it is strange. One minute I'm simply recovering from my being...raped...and the next, I'm trying to understand what exactly I can do to now that I'm pregnant with either the child of my rapist or of the man I love...and I'm a guy! With the only one who can possibly get what's up with me being Hakkai, I don't see how I can ever face Sanzo and Gojyo again...I seem to think that a lot lately.

My life sucks right now.

But...anyway, Hakkai and I are on our way to a library in town at the moment; Sanzo and Gojyo are at the hotel planning out our journey...that is, if they aren't yelling at each other and arguing instead...which they likely are. The silence between us in framed by the sounds of gravel crunching below our feet.

"Goku..." I look up at Hakkai, who continues looking ahead of him. "Are you...that is...do you understand the consequences of carrying through this pregnancy? Are you ready to be a parent, Goku?" I shift my glance to the ground.

Am I? I asked myself that all night...but I don't know...how could I know? I've grown up so much in these last two months...more than anyone should be able to in a lifetime...but I still don't know. I'm only around I possibly raise a child, not knowing who its father is? Could I raise it if I _knew_ who the father was? I'm not as mature as an adult...I'm not. But then...

"Hakkai..." I murmur, feeling my eyes well up with tears; damn these stupid hormones! "...I thought about that last night...I thought, 'What would happen if it _was_ Homura's child?' 'What would happen if it was Sanzo's?' 'Would Sanzo ever forgive me? He hates kids!'...and then, I thought 'How would I feel if I gave up on having this child?' I think...I would only regret it if I allowed myself to lose my only chance at a child with Sanzo, even if it might _not_ be his. All I can think is that maybe, just maybe, I _can_ do this."

A hand lands on my head, petting me. "That's what I hoped to hear, Goku. But even so...it won't be easy for you..."

"I know." Hakkai looks surprised as I say this. "I know that it'll be hard; I know how painful it might be for me to look at that child...but I want to do it. I'm not punishing myself; I just want to let my child live a good, long life, as happily as it can. I want it to have the life that...Sanzo and I never really got a chance to have..." Hakkai glances into my eyes.

"There is still a chance for that life, Goku."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The library had nothing. Nothing on heretics, nothing on male pregnancy, and nothing useful about my carrying time. Figures.

I was about ready to give up trying to find something when a few monks passed us. Hakkai got the bright idea (bright might not be a good word for it) of following them so that we could ask the chief priest about heretical beings. We ended up in front of an enormous shrine...with a golden Buddha on it. I personally wondered what it meant.

"Excuse me!" Hakkai calls up as he knocks on the door. A youthful-looking monk comes out, a pleasant look on his face. "Hello...we're here to speak with your chief priest, if at all possible..." The monk smiles at us.

"Of course; this shrine is welcome to all." He moves to becon us in. For some strange reason, I get the feeling of airheadedness as I step through the door, sort of calming me into a state of peace. For Hakkai, the situation is a little bit different: he steps in and, without warning, dozens of little red flashes rip through his clothes from below, and he is thrown out at least ten feet.

Okay, that's a little weird. "Hakkai!" I move to leave, but the monk holds me back.

"Leave it; that man is a demon." But...I got through...oh, yeah...I'm a heretic, not a demon...

I escape from the monk and grab Hakkai. "We're going in." I say firmly, pulling him towards the door. Once we reach the threshhold, I glare at the strange markings; somehow, I feel I know what it takes, and put my hand over them, still gripping Hakkai's elbow. "Dispel." I command, and the red ink-looking stuff vanishes, earning a gasp from the monk, who runs off.

He's screaming...loudly. "MASTER! MASTER, SOMEONE ERASED THE SEAL OF THE GODS! SOMEONE DISPELLED THE SEAL!" ...What a moron.

Then again...how did I do that? I guess it's because I'm a heretic...I must have a few powers similar to those of the gods...but that was too easy. Hakkai smiles at me, looking a little apprehensive. "That was impressive, but maybe it wasn't too wise, Goku; these men might be angry or confused by what you've done...but at least you're discovering your powers!" ...I'm still nervous.

We walk in a little further, and the monk from before appears, leading an elderly monk with glasses. He gasps and flees, leaving the old man with us. What a coward...

"Golden eyes..." the man murmurs, and I look up at him. He falls into what is unmistakably a bow. "You're a heretic...part god...I am honored to be in your company..." Okay, never gotten that response to someone learning I'm a heretic...he continues. "What do you seek?"

"Well..." Hakkai smiles kindly, as usual. "...Goku here has a little problem, and we need some informations on heretics..."

The old monk looks up at me, eyes wide. "Goku..?" He quickly shakes his head. "It can't be...I-I can help you..." I raise an eyebrow as he simply stares, making me a little uncomfortable. "I-I'm sorry! It's just...five hundred years ago, this very spot was visited by a young heretic by the name of Son Goku...and small group of gods, who left their names on a wall. They were...in addition to Son Goku...'Tenpou'...'Kenren'...'Kanzeon Bosatsu'...and 'Konzen Douji'..."

These names...they sound so...

...familiar...

The world goes dark.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Why did I have to pass out like that? I don't know those people; I've only heard two of their names. I DON'T KNOW THEM. But...I can't help but feel that there is some strange secret to this that I'm missing...did I know them before I got locked up? Would they bring back my memories if I met them again? Who knows...Kanzeon Bosatsu sure didn't...

Anyway, Hakkai and I learned that heretics have the ability to bear young, since gods can 'create life' and humans can 'allow life to grow'. My carriage will be around five months total, even if it is the child of a mortal...or a god. Now, we're heading back to the hotel.

"WELL, I SAY WE TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!" We can hear Gojyo yell as the hotel comes into view. Sanzo's response is quick.

"ANY TIME YOU WANT! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!" ...Sanzo usually doesn't get himself into yelling arguments, even with Gojyo. I wonder what exactly they could be fighting _about_. Maybe I don't wanna know.

"My, they certainly are lively!" Hakkai laughs, and I swallow hard. Sanzo...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Rein: Again, short but to the point. Since school started up again, I've had loads of homework. (Even if I DON'T do it, it still works as an excuse!) However, school is getting back to a regular homework schedule, so I'll work harder.


	6. The Chill of Loss

"Sanzo..?" I offer hesitantly as I step into the bar, trying to get my nerve up for what I'm about to tell him. It seems that he and Gojyo have effectively scared away everyone in earshot, so, at the very least, no one else should be able to hear it. My first attempt at speech fails as I open my mouth and nothing escapes me but a puff of air. I take a deep breath and try again, succeeding this time. "Sanzo, I'm pregnant."

"So I gathered from your little escapade last night." His voice...it's so cold; I can't believe that this is the same person I've always been in love with. I'm simply thankful for Gojyo's reaction to my words being there to distract me. The stuttering and overall shock on his face as he rushes to Hakkai is enough to lift even _my_ spirits as I look to the ground again.

"I'll have...maybe another--"

Before I can say another word, Sanzo cuts me off, his tone growing absolutely vicious. "Shut the hell up; I'm _not_ going to hear another _word_ from you. I will_ not_ be responsible. If you want someone to be the father of that bastard growing inside you, then go to _Homura_. I want _nothing_ to do with it."

I can't believe what I'm hearing, and, apparently, neither can Hakkai, whose eyes widen. "B-but that's...Sanzo, I--"

I step back as he glares at me, eyes filled with something I can't describe or understand. It's almost as if it's...grief...but I can't call it that. "When I rescued you..." I swallow hard as he takes the opportunity to look away. "...I wasn't looking for a whore."

The sound of my own heart proves to loud for me to remain; his last words to me...the words he spoke _about_ me...echo endlessly throughout my being as I run: _a whore...a whore...a whore..._

I can't stop this time; I'm getting away from him so that I never have to face that pain again. He hates me...he really, honestly, blatently _hates_ me...and there's nothing I can do about that. As the landscape changes from a city to the woods, I wonder if there's any way to run forever...because I'm afraid to stop.

I'm barely aware of where I'm going now, and I couldn't care less. Any place is fine..._anywhere _away from him. I can't feel anything, but I know I must've lost my shoes; there's blood running down my heel. Wait...my whole body is bruised...bleeding...and I can only guess that all I'm able to do is continue running further and further away. And so, I continue to force my body to move until, finally, I collapse after tripping over an upraised root. Now that I'm stuck and unable to run any more, I begin to sob, my small frame shaking with each breath.

--------------------

I honestly have no idea how long I've been laying here and crying, but I know it must've been quite awhile, considering the fact that tears no longer fall from my eyes. I'm alone now, and I have to get used to that idea. Sanzo hates me now...after all the times he's rescued me, he can't save me now...no matter how hard he tries.

The crunching of leaves...I ignore it as I curl up more tightly than before. _Please don't let it be Sanzo...please. _ I think, desperate. Someone leans over me.

"Hey! It's Goku! I FOUND YOU!" That voice is...a little girl's...it sounds like it's coming from Lirin---_oh, shit, not LIRIN!_ "C'mon, you! Get up and fight me! I'll take 'ya!" I groan and cover my head.

"Not now..." I hear myself croak. "_Anytime_ other than now...just let me stay here."

Lirin must've leaned in closer, since I can smell everything on her breath--fish, potato chips, soba noodles...this girl is such a pig. "Hey, what's wrong? Fight me already!" I choose not to respond to her annoying proclaimations. "We're _supposed_ to fight! Don't you _want_ to stop us from completing the revival?"

"I don't care anymore..." I whisper, closing my eyes at last. "Just leave me alone..."

At once, I hear her rush off. I don't know why it is, but for some strange reason, I find myself wishing she was back asking me to fight again. Maybe I'm just going insane.

The leaves are shifting again...but there's more than one person. I hear Lirin again and almost want to raise my head. "See? He's here, but he just _won't_ fight me! Sanzo and the others aren't here either! What do you think we should do about him now, Kougaji? Do we leave him here?"

Kougaji...she brought her brother to watch me suffer. Wonderful.

"...Get a blanket for me and go inform Yaone and the others that I'll be returning shortly. I want you, however, to make certain that Gyokumen Koushu does _not_ know that we ran into a member of the Sanzo party. Is that understood?" I hear her scamper off and wonder what he intends to do with me. I'd almost welcome his killing me, but...the child! I can't forget that my child needs me to protect it! He tries to turn me to face him, but I tighten up, protecting my swollen stomach.

"I brought the blankets, Kougaji!" That was fast. I feel his hand leave my body as he turns to her. "Well, I'll be off now!" A little more noise from the leaves and she ceases to even _exist_ to me any longer.

The moment I feel a claw on my throat, I leap up, growling at the demon. He can't hurt this child! I told myself that I _would_ be responsible for this...I swore that I wouldn't let myself take the easy way out! Even the shocked look on his face isn't enough for me to believe anything else.

...My legs are giving out; I collapse on the ground and groan. I guess all that running caught up to me; I _did_ run all the way from the village without stopping. I can't protect my only chance at a child...I can't even protect myself. I'm so _worthless_...

"You look like shit." ...Huh? I feel something cover me--it must be that blanket Lirin brought to Kougaji--and...I'm lifted from the ground into what must be Kougaji's arms. I can't explain it...but somehow, knowing that _Kougaji_ of all people is trying to protect and even _save_ me right now...I feel warm...secure. Aren't we supposed to be enemies, though? Why is he even _pretending_ to want to keep me safe?

"Don't get the wrong idea," I hear him tell me as I land in his lap. "The only way I'm going to kill you is if you can put up a fight and have something I need."

...So...strange...

---------------------------------

I awaken to find myself in a small room with stone walls and a window looking out at a mountain range. There's even a bed...where am I? All I remember is Kougaji picking me up, then...I think I...fell asleep.

"Oh, you're awake?" I look over to the door, which is at the foot of the bed, and blink. Yaone's here...does that mean I'm in Kougaji's place? It takes me a moment to get used to the idea of my surroundings, and I finally sit up, glancing at Yaone again.

"...yeah, I'm up."

She smiles in a way that kind of reminds me of Hakkai and sets a tray on the table next to the bed; it looks like...food. "Well, I'm glad that you're feeling better. Lord Kougaji told me that you weren't acting normal; I was honestly a little worried." I...she was worried about me? That's more than Sanzo seemed to be...he responded to me with hatred and hatred alone. "I know we're not necessarily your friends, but we can't just leave you all alone. Where were Hakkai and the others? Shouldn't you have been with them?"

I look at the blankets as my fists clench. For the first time since this all began, I feel mad; I'm honestly _angry_ with Sanzo. Our _enemy_ cares more about me than him. Everyone cares more than he does...and he said that he was my lover!

"Goku? Do you not want to talk about it?"

I finally look at her; she really _does_ look concerned. "I don't think that I'll ever return to Sanzo and the others again. They hate me now...it's not even my fault! They just don't understand! They--they--" I find myself breaking down again. Yaone pulls me into what is unmistakably an embrace and rocks, slowly, back and forth. My tears begin to subside, so I continue. "I've been through hell, Yaone...I can't go back..."

"Why would they choose to hate you?"

Somehow, I find it easier to tell this person that I'm not in love with the truth than it is to tell Sanzo. "Because...I'm pregnant..." I murmur against her pale skin. She twitches slightly in what I believe is shock, then pulls me closer. Her silent message is as clear as day. "I'm not a demon or a human, Yaone. They didn't even think it was possible..."

At long last, she slides back and stares into my face. "With those golden eyes, I knew you couldn't be either...but I didn't know what you really were. I won't bother asking _exactly_ what you are, but I will ask this, since I'm curious. Are you old enough to be a parent?"

...Hakkai asked me pretty much the same thing. I shake as I suppress a laugh; she's gonna flip! "Well...I think I can do it...and, in case you were wondering, I happen to be eighteen, give or take 500 years."

She blinks in shock. "500 years?! B-but...you look like--"

"I was imprisoned in a mountain...a cell in a cave...for 500 years without aging. I had no food, no water, and no one to keep me company. I know I musta done something pretty bad to get locked up there, but I can't remember. I just...have memories of being locked up in this strange place. I don't know where they begin; I only know where they...end..."

That's right...they ended when...Sanzo freed me...

I clear my throat and continue. "There's not much I _could_ remember, no matter how hard I want to. I feel like I was protecting something...I just don't know what. See? I don't have a past."

Yaone seems taken aback. "But...the only ones who could possibly have the power to stop your aging...wouldn't they be gods?" I snap my head up. She's right! I never thought of that...who else could've made me stay that way?! No wonder Homura seemed to know all about me! I _must've_ known him! "Either way...you're free, right Goku? You can live how you want to..."

I nod, looking at the food. She laughs.

"Lord Kougaji said that you're to stay here for as long as you'd like, and that he may decide if he wishes to keep you here. Until then, Dokugakuji and I are going to take care of you. Eat up!"

I watch her leave and I can't help but wonder where my life is taking me.

---------------A/n---------

Rein: groans Oh, god, everyone was _so_ out of character! And Goku sounds like some girl who's about to commit suicide! brightens instantly If anyone could possbly review, it'd be _great_! Bye, now!


	7. The Prognosis

...What I can do for my child is a total mystery to even me. It won't have two caring, loving parents like most people should...it'll be all alone with me. Now that I'm in Kougaji's care, it's even harder to imagine what even _my_ future will be like. Won't they kill me?

In any case, there's not much of a chance of me escaping; I'm in a high-up room with a lock on the door. I wonder about--

"Yo, Goku!" I jump about three feet in the air; _what the hell?!_ Upon wheeling around, I sigh in relief as I see a smiling, somewhat familiar face. He's...Dokugakuji, right? He kinda looks like Gojyo...in some weird way. "Kou told us you'd be staying here for awhile! Are you doing okay? He and Yaone were kinda worried about you. Lirin says you wouldn't even fight her. You sick or something?" I have no choice but to grin at his surreal personality.

"I...I'm okay...for someone who saw what I did. You remind me of Gojyo'n maybe someone's brother..."

He grins again; did I miss something? "Well, I am 'someone's brother'. That's probably why I seem to be one, you know?" Without even asking, he patiently sits on the bed and leans his head back. "...Yaone said you were having some tough times. Dare I even ask about it?"

Tough times...that's right...it's kind of like that...but I don't think that's really quite it. I know I've had times when I was scared and wanted to run, but...I speak. "...Y'know, I don't think there's much to talk about. Sanzo chased me outta the group and a damn god's after me. I don't have a home to return to, and there's no one out there who even _cares_ about me anymore. See, I don't have memories...for some reason, my memory's gone now. I think I have the same feelings and attitude I did, but...I'm afraid to try to get them back. Whenever the gods come to fight us, they talk about us..._talked_ about us...like they knew all of us...but mostly me."

"Maybe you _did_ all know them." I stare over at the man, trying to understand exactly what he means by this. "Perhaps...you're somehow all interconnected through something. Maybe _they_ have suppressed memories, too. It's really your memories that mattered most, I bet; that's why they were all removed."

...Dokugakuji's right. Maybe that's why I couldn't remember anything--I could destroy everything we thought our lives were. Or...maybe I'm reading too far into this.

"Dokugak--"

"Call me Doku. Everyone does." He sighs and looks at the clock. "Hmm...you hungry, Goku? It's about lunchtime..." I nod, putting on my smile again, pretending to be eager. "Good! I'll round up Kou and the others. You just go right to the dining hall--third door, four floors down, giant dragon on the knockers. Can't possibly miss it. Oh, and don't worry about that _woman_, Gyokumen Koushu; she knows you're here and has agreed not to hurt you."

Agreed not to hurt me? What's left for her to hurt?

-------------------------------

...This can't be the dining hall. There's...only one table...set for five. But...I followed Doku's directions perfectly...so...where am I...? Maybe it was three floors down, fourth door. Or...well, I dunno. This place practically _exudes_ a delicious aroma.

"GOKU! HERE YOU ARE!" ...Lirin...what a disaster. This means that I _must_ be in the wrong room. As soon as I turn, though, I find that she's with Kougaji, Yaone, and Doku, who are all grinning at me. "You get to sit _there_." She tells me plainly as she points at the seat closest to the head of the oak table on the right. I sit, wondering why _Kougaji_ would eat lunch in a room like his.

"Well...everyone's here...what'd you make today, Yaone?" The young-looking demon asks, taking a seat in the chair to my right, smiling slightly. _Yaone cooks their lunch?_ I find myself wondering as Doku sits across from me and Lirin takes the place at the head of the table where I'd expect _Kougaji_ to sit. "Whatever it is, I hope you made some for Goku..."

Yaone smiles politely at her lord and wheels an enormous cart towards us. "Yes...I thought he might eat a little more than _we_ usually do, though, lord, so I prepared him a little extra. Oh, and we're having motsuyaki and tempura...Lirin, don't take too much, now!"

I look over at the food; it looks so delicious...but suddenly, my stomach turns and I run out as fast as I can to locate a sink or a toilet or _something_...they're gonna _eat_ in that room! The moment I locate the bathroom, I begin to empty the contents of my surprisingly full stomach. God, the smell makes me wanna barf more...dammit. Way to make an impression, Son Goku!

Wait...I was making an impression?

After a few minutes of waiting for my nausea to cease, I manage to stand, slightly more weakly than before, and splash some water on my face. Damn, this kid likes making me hurl, doesn't it? Must be fun for it. As soon as I manage to return, I take my seat silently and stare at the food, blushing as Yaone comes over to see if I have a fever.

"Dear, dear..." She murmurs, smiling slightly as she reaches into her pocket. "I'd almost forgotten everything I'd ever learned about this sort of thing...well, this medicine _should_ keep the nausea away...given that you're only...well, no more than four months, okay? Once you pass _that_ day, stop taking it. Also, I'll start making you tea! Oh, and you'll be needing some looser clothing...you have a lot to prepare for!"

Obviously, she's confused _everyone _else at the table. "Preparing...for what?"

Kougaji's question...I look at Yaone and silently request that she answer it as I burn red, taking the medicine as an excuse. She smiles nervously. "Well...this will be just a _little_ strange to hear, but...Goku here is...well, he's pregnant."

...Two seconds silence...then comes the response from all three of the others. "HE'S **_WHAT?!_**"

I cringe and blush even _more_ vivdly. Damn...do I have to explain? "Uh...I'm a...a heretic...not human, god, or demon. Th-that's why I've got gold eyes...and, uh...well, Homura's like me, too...except he's not pregnant..." They continue to stare, eyes all asking _how_ it happened, not what I am. I fill with rage. "I got knocked up, okay?! Is it _that_ hard to figure it out?! And I'm probably one of the oldest ones _here_ that's been awake the whole time! I had to suffer alone in a prison cave without food or aging for _500 years_! I lost my memories, I couldn't get out, and I didn't speak to another person in all that time! Like _you_ can even--"

I gasp as I hear what I've been saying. GOD! I hate these damn mood swings! Now _everyone_ knows! Kougaji is at a loss for words, like Doku, but Lirins jumping next to me, an excited smile on her face.

"Ooh! Ooh! Can I touch your stomach, Goku?! Let me, let me!"

Yaone tries to explain that she can't, but I smile, finally relaxing again. "...Go ahead, Lirin. I doubt you'll feel much of anything, but you can try." Without a second doubt, she slides her thin hand under my shirt and I bite my tongue, trembling. _Homura touched me there, too..._but for...other reasons. I feel a fluttering in my gut and pull in a gasp as Lirin squeals again, eyes wide and happy.

"It moved! Hey, Kougaji, the baby moved! Come feel it!"

He looks uncertainly at me, but I nod, granting permission to him. He slowly moves his own palm to where hers had been. They're...warm. So unlike Homura's...I guess that gods and part-gods don't exactly give off heat...but his hand, with the claws carefully avoiding any contact with my flesh, feels so much like...Sanzo's...

It takes a moment, in which Doku adds his hand next to Kougaji's, before I feel a much different sensation than before: it's like a little barrage of taps hitting me from the inside. Both men above me grin, and I can't help but manage a sad smile. Sanzo doesn't want to help me...and Homura may very well be this child's father. I can't really do much about that. But now...these people have openly said that they were okay with it...and they still don't know any of the details.

"So...who's the dad?"

I stiffen at Lirin's question. She _doesn't_ have to know that...when even _I_ don't. "Well, I guess you'll hafta find out when its born, won't you? I can't exactly tell _everyone_ that, can I?" She slumps. Yesssssssssss!

"Darn...and I was hoping you'd say it was the bald old priest!"

---------------------------------------------------

"Goku, stay here for _your_ sake...yours and the child's." Kougaji takes a seat in my room, serious expression not changing in the least. "Please...if you leave, you might have to fight and...possibly lose that child. You _can't_ allow that to happen; you'd probably hate yourself forever."

I lay back on the bed, sighing. "I know, but...what if a god comes to fight me? I'm the only one with a chance in hell here...can I really gurantee the safety of my baby?"

"You never can...but you stand a better chance _here_, don't you get it? Look at yourself closely; you have steadily decreasing strength...a burden to protect growing within you...and even a chance at death if you go into labor alone. Your body is small...it's male...it really _can't_ handle much more of this stress. I mean, you're a fighter, so you've got the strength to keep moving _with_ it, but what happens when it comes out? What if it dies? What then?!"

I sigh. "...I'll have no reason left to live anyway. This child would be better off in the care of someone _responsible..._not me; I'll miscarry for sure if I continue on. I mean...it's father doesn't love me anymore...or even want it for that matter...so what will I live for if this child dies?!"

"You." I look up, shocked. "You told me that everything you did was for yourself. Well, isn't living one of those things? And if that's not a good enough reason...then live for us. Me, Yaone, Doku, Lirin...you can live for us, too. But...if you stay here, that child _will not die_, understand? Even if I have to shove it back into you, _your child and you are going to survive in this world. _Do you understand me or not?!"

My eyes tear up. "I don't have a choice...of course I understand..."

"Sorry to break up the pep talk, prince, but I've been given orders to examine Goku here and now...so, if you'll just let me do my job, you can make him cry again soon enough." A man with brownish hair and glasses steps in. There's a...a stuffed animal under his arm...and a cigarette in his mouth. What's with this guy? "Now, then, Goku...lemme see your gut. This'll only take a second, right?"

I comply rather grudgingly, but he pays no heed, just sneering as he puts a _freezing_ stethescope on my stomach. A chuckle escapes him. "Well! I was told you were around two months along by the princess..." He must mean Lirin...damn, she's such a blabbermouth! "You _seem_ to be at seven! And with a _very_ small stomach to boot! Must be something special about you...maybe this'll grow at your labor, hmm?" S-seven months?! But I'm only two months now! "Yes...strong heartbeat...ish...steady movement...even a slight sign of moving _liquid_...yes, you'll be due any month now!"

"But I only lost my virginity two months ago!" I gasp, shaking. "A-and my stomach isn't that big...it's just so impossible..."

Whoever this man is, he chooses to place some odd piece of machinery on the ground and attaches a...thing...to my head. "Make sure and grit your teeth, now..." I shake harder; Homura said that exact same thing!

...There's no pain, just a buzz A moment later, he smirks and gathers his things, leaving.

-------------------------------A/n

Rein: Short, weird, and undoubtedly confusing! I _do_ know where I'm going with this, so _nobody_ has the right to complain. Oh, and please review, people! I've got too much to write on will alone!


	8. Big Screen double surveys

I sigh as I look at the door before me; Gyokumen Koushu summoned me for a conversation earlier. Dammit; if she wanted me to suffer why couldn't she just turn me away when she found out that Kougaji was keeping me here! She'd just spent the whole time lecturing me about how I had to behave and drilled me about my past; something about that woman really bugs me!

...well, I'm supposed to go have dinner, but that scientist (I found out that his name's Nii) warned me that there would be a show I wouldn't want to miss. That probably means that something's gonna happen to Kougaji and the others. 'Course, it's not like I've got anywhere else to go, right? So, bearing that in mind, I enter the room.

And DAMN, it's bright!

The table's gone; it's been replaced by a long one with five chairs all on the same side, facing the wall. Kougaji and Lirin are sitting on one side and Yaone and Doku are on the other, leaving the middle for me. I sit, forcing myself to smile at them.

"So, what's up with the table?" I ask, leaning back on my chair; Kougaji shrugs.

"Gyokumen Koushu said we'd be watching a film." I look at him questioningly; what's a film? He senses my confusion and quickly explains. "It's a bunch of images moving so quickly that they melt into a single event or...well, it's just a recording of something that's happened. I don't know what they're gonna show us, but it usually has something to do with a target or past events." He sighs, holding his head like Sanzo does when he has a migrane. "Starts in an hour..."

Lirin leans over and grabs my hand. "Well, there's no reason for us to stay here then, right? Come with me!"

I allow her to drag me all the way down the hall before I realize that I don't want her to. "Hey, stop!" I yell, yanking my wrist back. She looks at me dubiously; I glare back. "Look, I just don't feel like it! Do you have _any_ idea what I've been through! You can't just-"

"Oh, can it already!" She says in a sneering voice; what's she thinking! "You're not the only one with problems, okay? Kougaji's gotta fight too much, Yaone gets in trouble protecting me, Doku's got issues with his family, and..." She trails off briefly and I'm amost certain that I see a hint of regret in her eyes. "...my mom hates me. She doesn't even care about me, just the revival. But..." She leans in, looking me right in the eye. "...y'know, that doesn't mean that I'm all alone, Goku! I've got Kougaji and everyone to keep me company! They love me; I bet you've got people like that, too! Even if you didn't, _they'll_ love you! So don't be such a party-pooper, moron!"

I take a moment to try to understand what she's saying: her mother hates her, but she still has other people who love her, and Kougaji and the others will love me, even when nobody else does. Sounds like some corny thing only a woman would buy into, but I want _so_ badly to believe that there's truth in there.

She interrupts my train of thought by grabbing me again and pulling me in the general direction of the stairs. Somehow, I can find in me the strength I need to run with her, at least a little happier than I was before.

-

When we get back, dinner is being served and Nii is up in front of a large white sheet, fiddling with the thing he had hooked to my head earlier. Unfortunately, nobody else knows what it is, even Kougaji. As soon as we manage to gulp down our food (I find myself excessively hungry, something that the twelve staks of plates around me seems to prove), Nii smirks at us.

"I think you'll like this show; Goku's memories from an outside view."

I nearly choke on my own tongue as images begin to appear on the screen, shocked to see an image of a much younger, but still undoubtedly real, me.

On the screen

The boy had brown hair reaching down toward his waist, tanned skin, and bright golden eyes that shone even as he was thrown to the ground. A man stepped forward, golden hair shining in the perfect sunlight as his drooping purple eyes glared at the men who had hurt the much younger one.

"I thought it was clear that no one should hurt Goku; that priviledge is reserved for me."

His voice was somewhat raspy and very deep, but it was clear what he said all the same. The men moved away immediately, flinching, then rushed off after murmuring respect-filled apologies to the intimidating one that they called 'Konzen.' The boy stood.

"Konzen, what was that for!" He asked indignantly as he rubbed his head. "I was gonna hurt them! They said you were gay!"

A flicker of pure rage that appeared in the man's face grew to a look of absolute loathe. "Oh, don't worry...I'll just have to educate them on where I stand." He balled his fists and grit his teeth. "I swear, that rumor's got to stop. Even that damn _hag_ keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce her to my boyfriend! When I find out who started that..."

"I know." Came a second voice. A young man with dark red hair came in. "So does Tenpou here."

Another man, this time with brown hair and green eyes, followed, smiling happily. "Yes, yes...of course, if I were you, Konzen, I would probably suspect Kenren here, but sadly, it wasn't him. Those guards of the Jade Emperor seem not to like you..."

Reality again

My jaw drops. What the hell! I can scarcely believe what I'm seeing! And then, the images continue: me and that 'Konzen' guy doing all sorts of stuff, me and some other kid with grey hair...wait, Kougaji's angry...

"That...I can't believe you knew that _beast_ that sealed my family away...Nataku..." He manages through grit teeth; I can't look away from the screen any longer. Familiar images.

Sanzo leading me away...the first time I ate after the imprisonment...meeting Hakkai and Gojyo...oh, shit, these are getting bad...leaving on the trip...becoming my full demon form...nearly murdering Kougaji...meeting Homura and the other gods for the first time...the drinking contest...oh, shit, no! Everyone looks at me as I hug Sanzo...Sanzo laying me on the bed...ugh, it depicted the _entire_ thing to them! Kougaji even had to cover Lirin's eyes for it! Now...the morning after...that fight...shit, they can't see this part!

"ENOUGH!" I yell, covering my ears. "I don't want this to go on..."

Nobody seems to notice as, quite suddenly, it shows Homura above me as Shien taps the base of my skull with his whip and I fall limp. It shows me awaken to Homura, chained up...god, it's showing rape after rape...I curl up to avoid seeing any more...being released from him...Sanzo taking me away...us getting back together...and my finding out that I'm pregnant...I can't stand to think anymore as I hear Sanzo rejecting me...and meeting Lirin in the woods...

"My God..." Yaone murmurs, jaw dropped; Kougaji, Doku, and Lirin aren't much better off. I don't want to be here...I don't want to be here...I don't want to be here! With that final thought, I jump and try to run, stopped quite suddenly by Kougaji, who holds me there.

"Stop! Lemme go!" I scream, crying. "Lemme go already, Kougaji! I don't wanna see you guys right now!"

I feel his grip loosen, but he holds me. "I'm sorry about Sanzo..." He whispers. "And for everything that happened...but don't leave. We want you to be happy, Goku, if it's even possible. I mean...come on, is there anything we can do!"

Doku leans in. "Well, at least it's obvious why you don't talk about the kid's dad..."

"You aren't helping." Kougaji mutters. His hand gently touches my belly. "Look, Goku, bad things happen, good people are hurt, and lovers can leave; that's life. But the important thing is that even when you want to give up, you keep moving. And you...you've become an amazing fighter; I can't compare. When horrible things happen, you move on. Now's just another time, okay?"

I ignore him; it's hard to pay attention to someone when you're falling asleep.

-A/n-

Rein: Aaaaaand it's another short chapter! I couldn't resist having Nii do something evil; I do feel bad for Goku, though. Oh, and I have a survey for you!

If Homura is to know about the pregnancy, who is to tell Goku?

A: Shien, using it as a warning.

B: Homura himself.

C: Zenon, just to spite Goku a little bit.

D: Random villager person who happened to be sent by Homura.

BONUS SURVEY!

Which of these series would you like to see an MPREG of? (Yes, has grown to like MPREGS and yaoi, unfortunately (according to friends))

A1: Fruits Basket (Yuki and Kyo)

B1: FMA (Roy and Ed)

C1: Naruto (Sasuke and Naruto or Kakashi and Iruka-specify!)

D1: Gravitation (Yuki and Shuichi)

E1: Demon Diary (Eclipse and Raenef)

F1: Yu Yu Hakusho (Hiei and Kurama)

G1: FAKE (Dee and Ryo)

H1: Rurouni Kenshin (Kenshin and Sano)

Thanks! If you have no preference, just pick at random! I don't like reviews without votes as much as one with them! Ten voting reviews and I update automatically!

Rein


	9. Unexpected Expectations

I stretch by the dining room; nearly a month has gone by since the little..._incident_ with my memories. Kougaji and the others have all been surprisingly quiet about it-they haven't asked me a thing! Of course, Yaone's looked at me like she wanted to say something a couple of times, but it seems she thought better of it. Gojyo's always goin' on about how women are too curious for their own good, but Yaone seems quiet. Lirin's annoying, but she's definately not _too _curious. In fact, if anyone's bein' weird, it's Doku; he's always watching me, so Kougaji's taken to randomly yelling out weird orders for him. It's really funny!

Speaking of, Kougaji seems pretty protective of me; it's kinda weird. One minute he's the enemy I wanted to beat, the next, he's my guardian angel.

Hmm...'Kougaji' and 'angel' don't seem to belong together. Lessee...guardian...dragon weilding...brotherly...demon. Yeah, that suits him better. Maybe something shorter...uh, he's my...guardian. Kougaji's my guardian! That-

"Goku"

I nearly jump out of my skin as Kougaji's voice comes from behind me. I was so lost in thought about the guy that I totally forgot that he lives here at all"O-oh, hey Kou"

As soon as I turn around, Kougaji's blown to the left as the wall next to him explodes, rendering him immobile under the debris. "Kougaji" I gasp, running towards him, only to stop as an all-too familiar chuckle meets my ears-no...not him!

"I've been missing you, Son Goku..." I seize up and turn slowly to the gaping hole in the wall as the smoke begins to clear, willing it to be someone else…anyone else. "Have you been well"

I bite my lip as the man before me becomes entirely visible; undoubtedly Homura. My knees shake as I recall what he did to me and I step back, creating more distance between us. I don't want him around me"H-Homura...you..." There's a lump in my throat and a hole in my heart as I try to both get away and stay here at the same time. "Wh-what do you want"

"Is that any way to treat the father of your unborn child"

I stumble as I hear him say this-h-he knows"Now, now...calm down or you'll upset our precious baby." He murmurs, stepping over to me; I abandon all pretenses of being unafraid and I whimper, edging backwards and clutching my arms. "Oh? What's wrong, Son Goku? Am I...frightening"

"You leave him alone"

Homura and I both turn to see Kougaji slowly standing up, blood staining the side of his shirt. His eyes are livid; what's going on"Ah, Gyumaoh's son, hm? I suppose you want me to leave?"

"I want you dead! After what you did to Goku, I can't even bear to look at you" He snarls, gripping his side. "Get away from him"

The grey-haired immortal sighs. "My, my...why do you even put up with such loud company, Son Goku? I should think you would avoid people like him. Besides, weren't you two enemies" I cringe as he lifts my chin, trying not to close my eyes. "I think I _will_ leave for today...but only this once. Next time I come, I shall take you with me, forcefully if necessary. You carry my future, after all." He turns away, cloak dangerously close to slipping off his shoulders. "Oh, yes" He calls, almost as an afterthought. "Do be careful, Goku; it would be _such_ a shame if you were to lose my child."

Homura leaves in an instant and Kougaji passes out. I don't know what to do here! All I can do is sink to the ground and try not to cry; Homura knows about my pregnancy and wants me to have the kid! It just isn't fair! Why is it that the one I _want_ to be the father doesn't want the baby, but the one I wanted to never see again _wants_ the baby!

I think…maybe Homura was right…maybe there never was a chance that this was Sanzo's kid. Sanzo is a human.

Oh, God, what do I do! It just isn't right! How can I even _think_ about facing the others again?

-

"Goku, Lord Kougaji will be fine." Yaone murmurs, sitting next to me. I've been outside his room for about an hour now, just hugging my knees and thinking; it was all my fault that he was hurt in the first place. She looks into my eyes, and I feel inclined to say something.

"...Thanks..." I whisper, looking away. I can hear Yaone sigh.

"He's in love with you, Goku." She says, and I gasp, staring at her. "I wondered for a long time why no woman seemed to win over my lord's heart; he always seemed too obsessed with Lirin and the revival. But now...he's going entirely against Lady Gyokumen's orders just to keep you here...and he's even starting to be short with Dokugakuji-his best friend. He watches over you, takes care of you, worries about you...but I don't think he even realizes it himself; he's concentrating too much on your relationship with Sanzo."

I continue to stare, shocked. I can't see her eyes, but I can tell she's close to tears. "I always loved him...he saved my life, Goku; how could I _not_ love him? But I guess that...it's like they say: 'when you love someone, their feelings come before your own,' right? That's why I kind of want him to realize it...I guess I'm just being too selfish..."

"I wouldn't call wanting someone to be happy being selfish, Yaone" I manage, looking away. "I just don't feel that way about him, that's all."

I feel a hand on my shoulder and sigh, wondering why I seem to be a magnet for guys. "I realize that, Goku...I know you can only love Sanzo. I'm not asking you to fall in love with Lord Kougaji or anything; I just want you to stay here for as long as it takes for him to accept his feelings for you. It would be so awful if he only knew _after_ you left-he'd be stuck, not knowing his next move, and not knowing when he'd see you again. He'd be filled with regret; he'd think only of how little time he got to spend with you, always wishing it could've been longer. If you leave _after_ he comes to terms with it...well, maybe he'll be able to get over you."

"But...what if I only cause him more pain" I ask, my hand going straight to my stomach. "I mean, doesn't the fact that I'm pregnant with someone else's baby discourage him"

Yaone places her hand over mine. "Goku...I can tell that you don't really understand what this baby means yet. Once you do, though, the answer should be clearer. To explain how he might feel...well, let's just say that genes mean absolutely nothing."

We sit in silence for a few moments, exchanging awkward glances. After a few minutes, I find it too funny and burst out laughing.

It's such a good thing that laughter is contagious.

-

"How about...Liko" Lirin suggests, flipping through some baby-name book. I groan and glance at my wrist, a captive of her greedy little hand. I _tried_ to get away fifteen minutes ago, but no such luck.

"Is that a boy's name or a girl's name" Yaone asks, smiling. How did I get involved in name-talk with the girls?

Lirin grins. "Both" Gyokumen pulls another book from the pile; why is she here"Ooh! Here's a good one! How about you call your kid Mariko? Or maybe Miro? Ooh, Naruko! Naruko's a great name"

Gyokumen purses her lips and opens it to the 'K' section. "You could do the name 'Kenji'...perhaps you'd prefer a girl, though? Keiko would be my choice..."

Argh! Why am I here! AND WHY THE HELL IS GYOKUMEN HELPING THESE TWO! I am soooooo lost. "Uh...yeah, those are nice...can I go eat now" I ask desperately. Three heads shake, and I come up with my best strategy to date. "LIRIN! LEMME GO, I GOTTA PUKE"

It works! Lirin drops my wrist and I run for the door, only to be met by Kougaji. "Oh, Goku, you're ill? Didn't you take your medicine" Now I really am nauseaus; I turn away from him and empty the contents of my stomach into the trash can by the door. Once this ceases, Kougaji takes my hand; what's gotten into him"Now, then...I asked Yaone and Lirin to get you some name books; may I help look through them"

His smile seems pretty genuine, and I'm suddenly struck by what Yaone said: _'he's in love with you.'_ How could I have not noticed that"Uh...sure..."

He leads me to the table and picks a blue book from the stack. "Hm...how about Yu"

-A/n-

Rein: ...Okay, it's official. My chapters seem to be getting shorter and shorter! OH WELL! I'M THE AUTHOR, SO I CAN DO IT!

...sorry, caps lock was on. Anyway, thanks to the previous chapter's voters (all ten in one day-sheesh! AND WHILE I HAVE THE FLU, NO LESS!), the field for the next MPREG has been narrowed down!

A: Fruits Basket (Yuki and Kyo) (A1)

B: Naruto (Naruto and Sasuke) (C1) (NOTE-RECEIVED MOST VOTES)

C: Demon Diary (Eclipse and Raenef) (E1)

D: Yu Yu Hakusho (Hiei and Kurama) (F1)

Well, I personally want _so_ to do all of them (except...well, if you look at my bio, you'll see that I did way too many YYH, so I'm kinda bored with that series in fanfiction...which sucks, 'cause it's such a good series!), but hey, I just need to decide-wait! I know! You guys vote on them, and I'll do 'em all in order of votes!

YES! **_HEY, READERS! REVIEW THIS STORY AND CAST TWO VOTES APIECE! IF YOU'RE IMPARTIAL, PICK AT RANDOM! I'LL UPDATE RIGHT AWAY WHEN I REACH 15 VOTING REVIEWS!_**


	10. Possibilities for Allies

...It all happened so fast.

One minute, I was talking to Lirin about the best way to eat a riceball, the next I'm freaking out because Kougaji's telling me that Yaone's been sent to get the Maten Scripture, even if it means killing Sanzo. I shouldn't even care about that stupid bastard anymore, but, for some reason, it scares me so much that I can't even eat!

I still can't believe that I gave my heart to someone who couldn't care less about me...I really _am_ a stupid monkey...

"Goku, please pay attention when I'm _attempting_ to be calming..." Doku mutters, knocking me on the head lightly. Oh, I guess I must've zoned out again...that seems to happen a lot nowadays...maybe it's just because I'm at the seventh month...stage...thing. I mean, I'm only _supposed _to be three months along, but my damn blood makes-oh, Doku's saying something. "Like I said, has Yaone _ever_ laid a scratch on Sanzo? If you worry too much, it'll make that brat in your gut come early..."

At once, I'm both angry and taken aback. "Don't you call my kid a brat!"

"Yes, it's not usually kind to upset the _mother_ of the _child_ of a god, my friend." Oh, God, I know that voice...what the hell is Homura doing now!

Homura steps in front of me, still as imposing and snobby-looking as ever. His eyes travel down to my stomach and I can _see_ him thinking; Homura visited me two weeks ago, so why is he back now! "W-what do you want?" I manage, my hand instinctivly going to my bulging stomach; why does this kid have to choose _now_ to move around! "Did you come to try to scare me? No chance of that!"

The heretic smirks, making me swallow hard. "Have you no memory now, Goku? I told you last time I came here that I would take you with me _forcefully_ this time is you refused to come..." He glances at Doku, who appears to be making his sword again; I know it's not the time to wonder, but _how does he friggin' do that! _Maybe it's like me and my Nyoi-bo. "Going to protect him, Dokugakuji?"

Suddenly, a blast of flame hits Homura from behind and a voice calls out. "KEEP AWAY FROM GOKU, YOU TRASH!" Kougaji rushes in and stands in front of me, eyes on Homura; that loathesome rapist stands up and turns to glare at Kougaji. "Listen...I couldn't care less what you are...but you hurt Goku. Right now, you're a dead man; you aren't taking him out of my sight!"

Homura crosses his arms and shakes his head, looking at me. "My, my...Sanzo was right, Son Goku...you really are a whore; did you seduce this one like you did Sanzo?"

"YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF EVEN SAYING SANZO'S NAME, YOU BASTARD!" I scream, trying to summon my staff and failing miserably; damn it all...my pregnancy isn't even letting me do this much! "And...I've never seduced anyone, you freaking hornball!"

Kougaji puts his arm out to further shield me and I once again recall what Yaone said; dammit, he really is in love with me! "Why do you have to torment him!" The demon yells, summoning flames into his hands. "Answer me!"

"I don't have to do that, son of Gyumaoh."

That's all I hear before the sickening crunching of bones; Homura brought out his blade and slammed Kougaji into the door next to us, then grabbed me. God, this can NOT be happening! "Lemme go, you prevert!" I struggle against his iron grip, glancing at the barely conscious Kougaji. Homura stills for a moment.

"Excuse my asking, but did you call me a _prevert_?" He tightens his grip, causing me to wince. "I hate telling you this, Son Goku, but 'prevert' just isn't a word." At once, he turns to Doku, who glares at him, holding his sword at the ready. "I'll be taking him with me; goodbye."

With that, I can feel us vanishing; I must say, I've never felt anything quite like this before.

"Look who I found." Homura smirks at Zenon and Shien, who both nod to me; does _everyone_ in the heavens know about my friggin' pregnancy! "Now, then...I thought we might let him stay in Konzen's room...for old times' sake. Does that sound acceptable?"

Shien squints over at me. "That may be a bit too much for the poor thing, Homura; perhaps we should allow him to keep Tenpou's library?"

"That old place?" Zenon mutters, tone neither condescending nor belittling; he sounds like he's honsetly surprised. "Tenpou wasn't exactly a neat freak like you, Shien; besides, that place hasn't been opened in 500 years; who knows what could be living in it?" He sighs, reaching for what looks suspiciously like a bottle of sakè. "I vote we stick him in Kenren's room; at least that one's both neat _and_ empty..."

Homura reaches for me again and I spit on his hand. Zenon laughs. "My, my, isn't that just adorable? Son Goku seems to be learning manners from Sha Gojyo now..."

Shien gently grips my shoulder. "How about I take him? I imagine I can keep a close eye on him at my own place..." Homura nods, wiping his hand off with a napkin, so Shien steers me out of the room. "I assure you, Homura, that Goku will be quite alright with me; he will _not_ lose your child."

...Ten minutes later, I'm being led into a lavish house; it would seem that all the gods live in both comfort and luxery. "So...what're you gonna do with me?" I ask, looking about the entrance hall; I hate to admit it, but his house is _really_ inviting.

"Nothing." The god murmurs, beckoning for me to follow him down the hallway; he ushers me into a bright room and turns around. "This will be your room from now on, Goku. You may go wherever you would like while you're with me, but _only_ when I'm around. In addition, you may do what you want with your spare time; there is a room you may exersize in, a yard to sit in...I remember how dull you thought this place was, though, so whatever makes you comfortable is my bidding."

I stare at him. "You're not gonna...imprison me?" I ask, dumbfounded. The god stares at me.

"I'm on your side at the moment."

My side? "Er...what? Aren't you supposed to be Homura's trusted-" He claps a hand over my mouth as a knock comes from the door. Shien puts a finger to his lips and pushes me onto the bed; okay, he's starting to act a little too weird, you know? "Wha-"

"Shien, do you mind if I come in?" Homura's voice echoes down the hallway and I understand instantly what it is that Shien was trying to tell me. When Homura comes to visit, I'm to act as though I really am a prisoner; well, I guess I'm pretty good at doing stuff like that. Spending years all alone on a mountain kinda does that to you. "Shien, answer me!"

Shien steps out of the room and closes the door. "What is it?"

"Ah, there you are. I wondered what you intended to do by taking Son Goku into your home; if memory serves, you seemed none-too-happy when you learned of his pregnancy..."

Shien is quiet for a moment, then I hear his reply. "Well, Homura, such a thing is forbidden, even in the heavens; male pregnancy is punishable for both sire and bearer, after all. I was somewhat nervous that we would lose Son Goku before we attained what we desired from him. I needn't say more, I assume."

The other man sighs; what's up with him! "Shien, you are a terrible liar."

"Yes, I am; however, I wasn't lying about fearing that we may lose what we need most, Homura. If I am to keep him, it is less likely that this will be discovered; giving him free reign is the worst thing we can do." Shien pauses, then allows himself to speak again. "How is Sanzo's group without him?"

Homura chuckles. "Well, they aren't exactly a match for us quite yet, but there are a few...interesting things going on. For instance, Sanzo refuses to fight now. Sad, isn't it?"

"Yes...do you suppose he misses Goku?"

Homura must've shaken his head or something, since I can't hear his reply for a bit. "Well, it might be possible...but I'd have to say that it isn't what one would expect. Sanzo couldn't miss someone for his life, after all; look at what he did to remember Koumyou Sanzo."

Koumyou...Sanzo...that was Sanzo's master, right? I imagine that he was some straight-laced old man...but, then again, seeing as Sanzo turned out how he did, I have to wonder...

The kid in my stomach bats my side again; it's been really agitated since we got here.

A/n-

Okay! The order for the MPREGs has been determined! Here's the timeframe! Oh, and just so you know, I'm doing all but FMA (which sucks-I love FMA!)

1: (Chapter 10 of this through chapter 12) Demon Diary (5 chapters)

2: (Chapter 11 of this through chapter 15) Naruto (NS, 8 chapters)

3: (Chapter 14 of this through chapter 16) Fruits Basket (3 chapters)

4: (Post-A Tear) Yu Yu Hakusho (6 chapters)

5: (YYH ch. 5+) Rurouni Kenshin (12 chapters)

6: (RK ch. 10+) Gravitation (7 chapters)

7: (Grav. ch. 6+) FAKE (4 chapters)

...well, I hope this timeframe isn't too confusing. I have names for each!

1: Necessity

2: Of Curses and Bloodlines

3: Indefinite Taboo

4: Bitter Embrace

5: Conception

6: Impulse

7: Better Left Unsaid

...Tell me how bad the names suck if you don't like 'em, then tell me what'd be better! Then again...only I know how these'll go...oh, and speaking of liking things, I _so_ didn't like this chapter! It makes me sound like a novice at writing! ...oh, well. This is fanfiction, right? And fanfiction can do no evil! Just see my bio!

Well, I'll see 'ya later! Oh, and if anyone _wants_ to have me make an FMA fanfic...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME!


	11. Shien's Promise Yes, this title was a re...

"Goku, I've prepared some food for you. Won't you come out and eat?"

I awaken to Shien's voice and the delicious smell of...ooh! Chicken and pork meat buns, orange juice, kai fish, rice, miso soup, and ohagi; all my faves! How did _he_ know that I love those foods _so_ much! However...

"Shien, I can't get up!" I call as I struggle to even sit upright; I just can't do _anything_ with a kid on the way! "Can you...I dunno...help me up, maybe? I can't really move..."

Shien's actually kinda fun to be around, in some weird way; he reminds me of Hakkai, and that's a comforting thought. Of course, I'm still being held here against my will, a week after I was originally brought to the heavens 'again'. Just a note to whoever decides they want to go to heaven when they die, it's the pits. I mean, nobody ever does anything wrong; they just go around and mind their own business...or mine. God, _how_ many people have come here to see the 'freak and his heretical pregnancy'?

"Well, I should obviously do _something_ about your worsening condition; it seems that being in the heavens has treated you poorly." I look up and see Shien standing in the doorframe with a tray of food; he brought it to me? "I've informed Homura that your health is failing and made a suggestion."

He places the tray next to me, standing against the wall. I glance at him again. "What kinda suggestion?" He looks away from me; I can _feel_ the anger welling up in me. "What! Aren't ya' gonna _tell_ me, asshole!"

"I've suggested that you be allowed down to the mortal world from time to time. You're being brought down today." He murmurs, unwrapping and rewrapping his arm bandages. I guess it must be some kinda nervous habit or something. "In any case, we're leaving in an hour. Eat and get yourself prepared."

After he leaves, I look at the food and swallow hard, trying to decide which one I want to eat first. Lessee...the fish looks good...yeah, I'm gonna eat the fish! Then I'll have the rice, and then the soup...I'm starved!

Before I've realized it, the food's down my throat; I must've been hungrier than I thought. Ah, well. I wonder...if I get ready sooner, can we leave sooner?

I breathe deeply as I set my feet on the ground of earth once more; I missed the imperfect smell in the air. It's just so...perfect. Yeah, I know I just...what's the word...uh, I conter-dicted myself or something, but that's just how I feel about it. Shien looks around, sitting on a nearby rock, and leans back; I don't think I've ever seen him so relaxed looking. Something has _got_ to be up.

"Goku!"

I recognize that voice; I never thought I'd be happy to hear Lirin's voice! "Lirin! Where are you!" I call, twisting myself around; am I going to be saved! At once, I notice everyone in Kougaji's group standing right behind me and grin; yesssssssssssssss!

"Well, I clearly can't hold my own against a god, but I think I could at least distract him!" Doku says with a laugh, forming his sword before me. "Ah, well; if I die, I can pin the blame on someone else. Isn't that how someone dies content?"

"Idiot...get away from Goku." I hear Kougaji threaten, stepping forward menacingly. Shien smirks at me.

"Don't tell Homura." Is all he says before vanishing before my eyes; he's just...letting me go?

Yaone rushed forward and embraces me, and for the first time in my life, I feel safe; is this that 'mother's touch' type thing people blab about sometimes? "Goku, we were so worried! I'm so glad you're safe!" She whispers, burying her face in my shoulder; she shakes slightly and I know she's crying right now. "We...when Shien told us where to find you, we were so..."

Shien...he told them? I smile as I remember him saying that he was on my side; so this is what he

My jaw drops as I look up the road; Gojyo! He's just standing there, staring like he can't believe what he's seeing. Yaone pulls away from me, confused, and follows my gaze; in an instant, she's in front of me, weapon drawn as Kougaji and Lirin take her sides. She growls lowly and speaks in a tone I've never heard from her before. "I think it's pretty obvious that Goku's with _us_, Gojyo; get out."

Doku grasps my shoulder and turns me. "C'mon, Gok'. The dragon's over here." Before I have the chance to say anything to my old friend, I'm whisked off by a frustrated Dokugakuji. "Of all the times for my damn brother to show up..." He mutters, practically dragging me a

Wait...brother?

"You mean you're Jien! _Gojyo's older brother, Jien!"_ I nearly scream as I'm loaded onto a dragon. Doku nods.

Weird day.

...I miss Sanzo.

I admit it; I miss Sanzo so much. How could I not? I _love_ him...I followed him for years, I protected him...I even saved his ass a few times! Everything that I did was for _him_, you know?

Sanzo...my beautiful guardian and savior; there's nothing about him that I could possibly dislike. But...for him to suddenly hate me so much...what did I do to make him hold me in contempt? I'd do anything for him, even give up my own life! If that's not enough, what is? My one and only...my lover...how could he possibly have such a change of feelings? I denied it when Homura said that he never really loved me, but...was that really the case? Maybe all Sanzo wanted was a fuck; but then, why did he say what he did..."I wasn't looking for a whore"?

Maybe it _was_ the baby that drove him away; Sanzo hates kids, after all. If he were anyone else, he probably wouldn't have treated me so harshly...but what happened to the Sanzo who held me tight? Where is the man whose soft, gentle caresses and whispered promises made me hot and filled me with the passion of a wild animal?

What happened to change him?

Should I move on? Is it even possible to forget about him? I love him, but...I know that love will never be requited; Sanzo will always be the Sanzo I know. Sanzo holds nothing dear. Sanzo discards that which he no longer wants or needs. Sanzo is a bastard.

Sanzo isn't...it's just that...Sanzo isn't the type of person...you can forget about, that's all.

I've been told, however, that if you want a thought to reach someone you lost, all you need to do is write them a letter and burn it. I guess I can try that; it's not as though I don't know how to write. Or maybe that was to get a thought to the dead, that burning thing...oh well. I have to try to make him understand me. I take out some paper and begin to write.

Dear Sanzo,

I love you. I always have; you know that. I just couldn't believe it when you told me you loved me back. But...I just wanted to make sure that you...really did want me to leave you forever.

Kougaji and his friends have given me a place to stay and protection from the gods. I just thought you might want to know that. Also, Kougaji is in love with me. Does that make you jealous? Oooh, please say it makes you jealous! I'd be jealous! Okay, so maybe you're not, but...I don't return his feelings. I just want you to come here and take me back with you. I won't ask you to do anything for the baby...I just want to see you again. I love you.

How are Hakkai and that damn errokappa? That's good. And you? I hope you're holding out okay; it's been raining a lot lately and I know how much you hate the rain. I actually kinda like it; it never rained in that cave/prison thing.

Oh, and I'm over the morning sickness now! Apparently, I'm due in a month. You really can't tell by looking at me; my gut's tiny! But I know that there's a baby in there, and I can't wait for it to be born. Once that happens, I get a chance to give someone the life that you and I both never got. I don't need someone to be this kid's dad, though; I need you to tell me whether you love me or not; the kid's got nothing to do with it.

I love you very much and I'll see you again someday. If this doesn't reach you I'm sorry. Okay, love you. Bye!

Goku.

I read over the letter twice; I guess it sounds okay. Now then...I take the pack of matches from the bedstand and strike one, gently holding the flame under the paper's corner. The way paper burns is facinating, did you know? The burned pieces curl in towards the center, then turn back and fall off. The same part won't catch fire twice, and it burns from the outside in. I watch my letter get devoured by the fire and sigh.

I hope to God that reached him.

...wait...hoping to a god is probably a bad idea, thinking back on ly luck with gods.

Rein: Okay! This is getting to be fun! And as for my steadily worsening timing in getting the chapters up, I can use this for an excuse: I write and rest depending on how many tic tacs are in my system; they're like some kind of narcotic! I can't live without them! LONG LIVE TIC TACS!

Hopefully, my editor won't force me to complete my real manuscript soon. Editors are scary; I'm only two months over deadline and she's threatening to steal my computer and sell it to a pack of wild hobos as food! (Oh, no offense to any real hobos out there; they're so much fun to talk to and throw squirrels at. I even have this squirrel I stuffed myself to throw at the ones who camp out in my woods! Just yell "OH MY GOD! RABID SQUIRREL!" and chuck it at them; they flee like pansies! So, yeah...no offense, hobos!)


	12. Hakkai and a Notice

_Author's note: _

_Rein: I believe that it's totally wrong to devote a whole chapter to a note, so I'm going to type up a filler chapter and put my notice at the bottom; thanks in advance for reading! Thumbs up_

"Goku, there's someone here to see you…" Yaone calls, poking her head in my room. I look up from my game of solitaire (my newest hobby) and cock my head; who the heck would be coming to see me? Fortunately, the older woman…or maybe she's younger, since I'm 500…oh, well…she seems to be thinking the same thing I am. "Don't be worried, Goku; I think you'll like them."

Since I don't know who it is anyway, what's the point of keeping away from whoever it is? "Sure, send 'em in."

Yaone leaves for a moment, in which I make a few more moves in my game, and returns moments later with someone; I'm a little too absorbed in this, though, so I don't bother to look up until the person speaks, voice familiar. "Well, Goku, this is interesting; how long have you been playing solitaire?"

I look up, certain that my ears just deceived me, but learn that they hadn't. "Ha…Hakkai? Issat you!" I attempt to stand up, but fail miserably; damn that stupid gut for throwing me off balance all the time! "What're you doing here, Hakkai! Won't Sanzo get mad at you?"

Hakkai smiles; I guess I didn't realize just how much I missed seeing him, since that simple expression relieves a tension in my chest I didn't even know was there. Jeez, I sound like a woman; ah, well. I'm pregnant, so I'm probably no better'n one.

"It's been awhile, hasn't it?" Hakkai asks; I blush as I remember that he's got a voice, too. I guess concentrating on his presence wasn't the best plan; however, Hakkai doesn't seem to mind my silence, continuing to speak as he approaches me. "I came to see how you were doing, Goku; after all, when you left, we had no clue how to contact you until Gojyo saw you with Kougaji and everyone. He was kind of upset when he told us, but he said to tell you that there're no hard feelings."

I arch an eyebrow at him. "Really…?"

Hakkai chuckles. "Actually, I believe his exact words were 'tell the monkey that I don't blame him for leaving,' then he started talking about how much he dislikes Sanzo, and told me that if you ever fought against us, he would finish you off as painlessly as possible. In other words, he missed you and is sorry he couldn't come to visit."

I laugh heartily at Hakkai's explanation, and Yaone lets out a giggle as well; regardless of the situation, Gojyo always says things as bluntly and honestly as possible. I guess it's a good trait.

"And…what about Sanzo?" I ask, heart pounding; now I'm nervous! This isn't just a mood swing, is it? Hakkai ruffles my hair.

"Well, it'd be a lie to say that he's all right, actually; he's been totally out of it ever since you left. It's awkward, in some ways; I haven't heard him yell in weeks, he's been smoking nonstop, and he refuses to fight, which heaps the work on Gojyo and myself. In my opinion, he seems to regret what he did, sending you away and everything," Hakkai sits on the bed, rubbing my back. "And besides, he always buys an extra meat bun or something; I don't think he's used to you being away."

I look away. "That probably means he's happier now…"

"Without his long-time companion, lover, and possibly his child, how could he possibly be happy, Goku?" Hakkai asks; when he puts it like that, I can't help but think that it could be true. Then again, Sanzo didn't exactly seem happy when I told him I was pregnant, but that could've been nerves, right? "I think he was just too surprised to admit that he was excited about having a child with you, that's all."

Yaone walks to the bed and sits on the side opposite Hakkai; what am I, monkey in the middle? "Goku, I want you to be totally honest with me here: do you want to go back with Hakkai?"

…She's offering to let me go _back_! "Y-yes, I do…but I don't know if that'd be good for Kougaji; remember what you told me?"

This seems to have piqued Hakkai's interest. "What's the matter with Kougaji?"

Yaone giggles quietly, and I wonder if she's really going to tell him the truth. "Well, if you must know, he's gotten quite attached to Goku; he scarcely lets him out of his sight! Whenever we leave the castle to do something, he always makes sure that Goku has guards, and he's always hanging around him…it's kind of funny, to be honest."

I laugh at the way she put it, and Hakkai lets out a small chuckle. Even _I_ hadn't noticed that he did all that! Hakkai smiles yet again and stands up.

"Well, if you'd like to come back with me, Goku, you should probably get ready; I think we should leave in about…oh, how about an hour? That way, you can say your goodbyes and get anything you might've left around. Sound good?"

I nod back and automatically hold out an arm to Yaone; she lifts me to my feet and holds me while I steady myself. Of course, though, Hakkai looks confused, so I should probably explain to him what's going on.

"The only reason she's doing this…" I murmur, meeting his eyes. "…is so that I can actually move around; because of the baby, I have some problems balancing and walking without help."

Hakkai nods, and I can't help but feel like things are going to be fine from now on.

Author's notice+

Rein: Hey, everyone! It's been a long time, I know, but I've been doing stuff! The membership in Review Inc. has skyrocketed since I started this fanfic, and I've had lots of paperwork to take care of, in addition to school and work! At Review Inc., we have a poll about which fanfics we should update and when, but most of the members have been voting for "Complications," a RoyEd MPREG I've been working on lately. Also, I am in _desperate_ need of editors! At the moment, I am the only editor in Review Inc., and as a result, I have mounds of files to edit, read, and review! That's one reason that this notice is so important.

I NEED NEW MEMBERS! There are currently 64 members of Review Inc., including myself, and everyone in it has a passion for fanfiction. I receive an average of 107 stories per week to read and 22 to edit; to be technical, the averages are 106.988 and 22.41, but this makes it easier. Anyway, these fanfics don't read or edit themselves! I love the fact that people like Review Inc, and I'm proud of all my members' work; there just aren't enough editors!

BUT WHAT IS REVIEW INC.! It's a non-funded, inter-sitely recognized group known for its talented reviewers and writers. Most readers don't realize just how important a review can be to an author, which is why I started this group in the first place. Review Inc. is, in a way, the ultimate writing improvement system; along with an application, new members are asked their favorite series, their favorite genres, and other things that they want to see in a fanfic. In addition, members send me (and possibly some of the other higher-ups in the chain) fanfiction that they found appealing, well written, interesting, unique, or just so horrible that they needed it to be edited before they could begin to read it, and I send out the fanfics that best match people's preferences to them via e-mail. Review Inc. can find fanfics that interest everyone!

Oh, no, that's not all…! All I need to do to make this an infomercial is say 'for a limited time' If you feel insecure about your own writing, you're free to ask for tips on what to do to improve! Because there are so many people in Review Inc., there's at least one person for every kind of writing hint you need; I also have a special newsletter that I'll start sending out periodically as soon as membership reaches 70. This newsletter features up and coming authors, popular genres and series, tips on how to find good fics, help with writing, and much, much more! You just need to be a member to get in on this!

How do you become a member? Fill this out and send it to me via e-mail (e-mail address is at the bottom) or, if you're a user, just leave it in a signed review and I'll send a confirmation note to your own e-mail. Hope to see you in Review Inc. soon!

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	13. Departure and a Broken Jaw

"Ne, Goku!" Lirin calls; I look over at her and sigh. Unfortunately, she seems to have been deaf to it. "Yaone says that Hakkai came t'get ya! Are you really going back to that stupid, mean, bald old priest again? It's not smart if you are…"

I lower my eyes and let a hand trail to her shoulder. "Hey, it's my choice, Lirin, and I wanna go. Don't nag me about it, all right?"

The girl groans and leans against the wall next to us, a scowl overtaking her immature features. "Come _on_, Goku! What does that sleazy old monk have that makes you wanna be with 'im? My brother's way better than _he_ is! 'Sides, my brother told me that he wants you to stay here; stop being so selfish!"

At her last remark, I snap, grabbing her by the collar. "No, _you're_ the one bein' selfish, Lirin!"

She grabs my collar in return, growling at me. "No, _you are!_"

"Shut up!" I yell, pushing her away. "Listen to yourself! You're callin' _me_ selfish while you're tryin' to get me to stay here against my will! Do you even know how selfish you're being right now! You're trying t'change _my_ mind about stuff I don't wanna change it on! I don't wanna stay here anymore, Lirin!" I take a deep breath. "I never wanted to leave them in the first place!"

Lirin's eyes widen. "T-them? So…it's not just Sanzo that you're goin' back for?"

I turn around and start to walk away. "Bye, Lirin," I murmur, clenching my fists; I don't want her to see how angry I am, somehow; I'm being stupid again. "I've gotta go soon. Hakkai only gave me an hour to get ready."

I feel kinda guilty about the fact that I'm leaving her behind like this…I don't really wanna go away with our last conversation bein' an argument, but I don't think I can stay around her anymore. In fact, it might even be better if I _do_ leave right now…I really don't wanna hurt her just for bein' annoying…

I turn the corner and bump into someone, stepping back in surprise. Whoa…it's Kougaji…

"Goku?" He asks, taking my wrist as I start to relax again. I don't know why, but I feel really, really bad about running into him…Yaone _did_ ask me to stay until he accepted his…_feelings_…for me…I guess I'm just an idiot…

"Yeah?" I respond belatedly, trying to coax him into releasing my wrist. He seems to understand and lets go. I rub it gently and look up at him; what's he want?

"Is there…" he swallows noticeably; jeez, what's up with him? "…uh, is there any way to convince you to stay here, Goku? I heard you were going back with Hakkai, so I…I don't know…" he trails off and looks away, cheeks red; there _is_ something wrong with him!

"What?" I ask, stepping closer to get a better look at him. I regret this immediately, since he pulls me into a tight embrace; it's like he thinks I'm _his_ lover or something…I can't think right now! I don't even have time for this! "Kou…"

He cuts me off; how do I get out of this?

"Goku…I don't want you to go. Stay with me, okay? I'll take care of you; this can be your _home_. You're like another brother to Lirin, you're Yaone's new pet monkey, and…" He suddenly cups my chin with one hand, the other on the small of my back, keeping me pressed against him. Without warning, he leans down and…

"No!"

Suddenly, I'm against the wall, trembling, and Kougaji's a few feet away, barely standing, and rubbing his jaw. It's all red…did I…?

"Uh…sorry…" I murmur, embarrassed; I just belted Kougaji! I think I even broke his jaw this time! Dammit…that's no way to reject someone…

Except…when he tried to kiss me…I thought of Sanzo…

"I's okay…" he mutters, blushing; I think he's as embarrassed as I am! Wow...! Anyway, he straightens up and spits a bit of blood onto the ground. Heh heh…I guess I must've gotten him pretty good…that's no fair…I shake my head and step closer. I admit that I'm a little nervous about approaching him again, but I have to make sure he's really okay. He looks up at me, surprise evident in his face, and gives me a lopsided smile; absently, I notice the lack of one of his teeth and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about it; that damage is probably permanent…

"I thin' oo broge by thaw…" he says; as far as I can make out, he said something about a thaw? Wait…maybe it was 'think you broke my'…

Shit. I _did_ break Kougaji's jaw.

I wipe a bit of blood off his lip and smile sheepishly at him before bowing. "I'm sorry about that…" I manage, not used to apologizing. He looks me over carefully, and then pats my head.

"Fine, jess go back or duff. A'll dell Ya'ne an' Dogugaguji tha' oo'r goin'…"

…I think he said to pack…that's really all I got out of it. I nod and turn away, continuing to my room. When I get there, Hakkai's already got my stuff put in a bag for me. He and I exchange surprised glances, and then he smiles and pats me on the back. I smile back, but then sigh and pick up the bag.

"I'm ready!" I say as cheerfully as I can manage. Hakkai nods pleasantly; however, before I can even begin to walk out of the room, he blinks and grabs my wrist, staring intently at the blood on my hand. Yaone comes in as he's examining it, cocking her head in confusion. Hakkai looks at her briefly, and then turns his attention back to me. He looks at my other hand and raises his eyebrows at the redness. I feel myself blush again.

"Um…I just…uh…" Dammit! Now I'm _really_ embarrassed! "…I just broke Kougaji's jaw…" I mutter, looking away. There's no response for a few seconds.

"…well, did he deserve it?" Hakkai asks, sounding as patient as a saint. You know, if he hadn't fallen in love with his own sister or turned himself into a demon or become a mass murderer, I'll bet he could'a been a saint. Who knows? Maybe there really aren't any limits to "Sainthood" or whatever the word is. After all, there are no limits to Sanzo-ship…

I shake my head as if it will get the ridiculous thought out of it. 'Kai asked a question!

"Uh…well, he tried to kiss me, so…" I stop myself before I can say anything else. I mean, I don't want to make Kougaji look bad…! I just…didn't want him to kiss me, that's all.

Hakkai nods, showing his understanding of the matter. He smiles another trademark smile and leads me out of the room, thanking Yaone for her hospitality. I follow suit, rushing after him.

**THIS IS A BREAK LINE; IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY.**

I watch as the castle disappears from view, slowly coming to terms with the fact that the last thing I did to Kougaji was injure him. Gojyo'd probably laugh…

Shaking my head again, I rub my growing stomach almost out of habit; ever since I found out, I think I've been handling it pretty well…all things considered, I think I've done about as well as I can with a baby in me…

Suddenly, it hits me: a _baby_. All this time, I've been thinking of it as a _child_; I've been imagining a young _child_ that can walk, talk, and feed itself…it's not going to be like that. This will be a _baby_…a completely dependent little thing that can't live without a parent. How on earth am I going to raise a _baby_! I certainly can't take it with me on our journey! Does that mean that I'll get left behind? Or worse, will I have to leave this baby alone somewhere? I don't want my baby to have to live without me and Sanzo ever!

Oh, wait…Sanzo doesn't want a baby, does he?

I sigh, curling up into a tight ball. I know Hakkai's probably worried, but for now, I'm in the mood to just sleep and forget everything.

**THIS IS A BREAK LINE; IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY.**

Rein: I know! It's a short chapter! Don't blame me for getting chronic writer's block! Dodges arrows, bullets, and, for some reason, coat hangers I kept you all waiting, but this sucks! I know it and I admit it! I'm really, really sorry! I've had a lot to do…! I have an average of one hour a week to _write_, so I usually work on other things! Here, lemme give you my schedule for the past two days!

Friday: 11/18/05

4:15 A.M.: Wake up and do chores (clear driveway, turn on water, set thermostat, take care of neighbor's animals, clean kitchen, do a load of laundry), get ready for school.

6:20 A.M.: Leave for school. Arrive at 6:45, go through day.

3:00 P.M.: School lets out; stay after for LitMag.

4:40 P.M.: Arrive at home. Do homework and eat horribly burned, nearly inedible dish that may have once been lo mein. Contemplate hiring chef for safety of family.

5:20 P.M.: Leave for school again. Stop by bank on the way, pick up some "just in case" money.

6:00 P.M.: Arrive at school for football game. Play in the Pep Band, drink Jasmine tea in the vague hopes that I can stay up as late as I need to…just like always.

9:00 P.M.: Game is over; we win. Go into school to put trumpet away, get pizza from booster club; rejoice that I won't have to suffer my own toxic cooking that night.

10:00 P.M.: Load bus to channel 2 news station.

11:00 P.M.: Arrive at station; homework is now done. W007.

11:35 P.M.: Start playing with the band. Be a part of "Sports Extra," get crappy hats for free.

12:05 A.M.: Finish playing and pack up. Nearly clothesline anchorman while looking for the authority to thank for inviting us. Wonder why I always meet famous people in ways that make them remember me. Thank anchorman and apologize profusely for both running into him and for knocking over a tri-pod. Load bus.

1:15 A.M.: Arrive back at the school.

1:40 A.M.: Arrive back home. Shower, put everything away, get ready for bed.

2:45 A.M.: Go to bed.

Saturday: 11/18/05

10:00 A.M.: Wake up, realize I've overslept, immediately complete chores (moving plants into barn, take care of neighbor's animals, sort through the recycling and garbage, do dishes from last night, and do more laundry; finish in record time) and get ready for day.

10:30 A.M.: Call friend about seeing a movie together; for once, I have enough time! Assuming, of course, that I stay up until 3 again…

11:00 A.M.: Eat breakfast (unrecognizable substance that might have been toast) and wonder if it _is_ possible to fast for up to 30 days.

11:15 A.M.: Go into town and do grocery shopping, stop by post office and drop off package for cousin's birthday, buy tickets for the 5:15 showing of the new Harry Potter movie, return overdue books to library, marvel at the fact that I have _only_ $28.75 in fines. Finish outing by going and seeing Brother at work, delivering lunch (from a deli; I wouldn't force him to eat my cooking).

4:30 P.M.: Get home, shower (Note: I do that when I have time), go get friend.

5:00 P.M.: Arrive at theatre; watch movie, squeal over how cool/hot/perfect Snape is, applaud his actor's name at end, realize that the butter from the popcorn has soaked my lap.

8:30 P.M.: Get home, eat dinner (broccoli dish, courtesy of Mom; thank goodness she remembered that I was an "herbivore") and put on another load of laundry.

9:30 P.M.: Realize that Brother took care of everything else I needed to do; type this up.

10:45 P.M.: My God, am I tired. I'll finish this and go to bed.

Now you know my insane schedule. ;; I don't know how I would function without tea…it's my life energy.

Now I'm going to go die an unhealthy death at the age of sixteen.

**ANNOUNCEMENT:**

REVIEW INC. EDITOR APPLICANTS AND ALL OTHER MEMBERS! BECAUSE I CAN'T MAKE A SITE MYSELF RIGHT NOW, THE MESSAGE BOARD IS NOW MY BIO. CHECK ONCE AND AWHILE. EDITORS: YOUR TEST IS UP RIGHT NOW; COMPLETE IT AND SEND IT TO REINKISHUKU at YAHOO dot COM. Note: address is in lowercase with an and a "." .


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